Honesty is such a lonely word
by iEATfood
Summary: Cartman gets himself banished and tricks Butters into coming along. An on the road adventure with Cartman and Butters. Don't worry, someone IS trying to kill them, it wouldn't be fun otherwise... ButtersXCartman
1. Scary, SCARY, romantic

(Disclaimer: I don't own south park, they own me.  
enjoy the weirdness!)  
(edit: just realized that ffnet erased all my chapter breaks! how embarrasing...)

Leopold "Butters" Stotch awoke one night to one of the scariest sights in the world. and that was Eric Cartman crawling into his room from the window.

Nothing that big should move so quietly.

Butters wasn't even sure what woke him up, it definitely wasn't the grinning puddle of fat forming in his room.

It was all he could do not to wet himself from sheer terror.

"E-Eric?" he stuttered.

It's Cheshire cat grin disappeared and It's eyes snapped open. He looked like he might attack for a second. Then his eye's softened and his lips curled into a half smile. "Butters..."

Butters relaxed, suddenly Eric wasn't so menacing anymore... "Eric, what are you doing here? y-you're not supposed to be here. you're in a l-lot of trouble!"

Cartman's smile widened for a second before disappearing completely, suddenly he looked sad. "oh yes, Butters!" He said voice dripping with sincerity "that's why I'm here! oh I..know I shouldn't be, but, but I just couldn't keep away!"

He sat on Butters' bed, and took one of his hands clasping it between his two plump ones. "you see, Butters, I heard my captors talking, they might send me away. do you know what that means?"

Butters blinked slowly, he wasn't sure what was going on, Eric's eyes were boring into his.

"..you might never see me again" Eric continued. Butters' thin yellow brows furrowed together, despite knowing he'd be much happier without Cartman around, the thought of him gone actually sent a pang of sadness to his heart.

"R-Really? They're really gonna send you away?"

Cartman nodded, "That's why I had to come here tonight."

"Even though your under house arrest..." He's so brave.

"Yes, even though I'm under house arrest.. I had to tell you, tell you that I..." for a second, he seemed to turn off, all the emotion disappearing from his face. ".... I love you..."

This time Butters did wet himself, the color drained from his face. "e-eh?"

"I love you." He repeated this time with his face back to normal.

"Oh ma ..god!" Was this a dream? Some kind of nightmare? It must be anightmare. But Cartman's heavy paws on his shoulders were so very real.

Cartman leaned closer, uncomfortably close, so close Butters thought he was going to kiss him. And when he spoke again butters could feel his hot breath on his face "you've always been the only person i could ever trust, you're the light of ma laif ...you know, I'm going to miss you..."

A blush formed on Butter's cheeks. Nobody's ever talked to him like this before. "Oh, Eric.."

"And now I must leave you, before they realize Ai'm gone..." He rose from butter's bed and headed for the window.

"Wait, Eric! Ai- Ai love you too..." Cartman chuckled and left as quietly as he came. And then the only sound in the room was Butter's breathing. he tried hard to process what just happened, it seemed so surreal but he was sure it happened. Eric, Eric Cartman loves him, he should be flattered Eric hardly ever loves anybody. but mostly he felt scared. he wondered if he loved Eric the same way Eric loves him, he really loved Eric as a friend. maybe he was misleading him by telling him he loved him back. maybe that was wrong. oh gee wizz, he was terrible person.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Cartman WAS in a lot of trouble. just a few days ago he locked the mayor out of her office and managed to run the town for a while. and it wasn't the only thing he's done.

you see cartman wanted to be remembered, sure with all the terrible pranks he's done you wouldn't like him, but you sure as hell won't forget him. Like Hitler, no-one forgot Hitler.

They called him a menace and put him under house arrest while they pondered what to do with him.

and so it came that the small town of south park decided to banish eric cartman. It was a sign of how backward the town was that they actually banished people.  
Bunch a hicks.

sneaking out of his house was easy, sneaking back was easier. still, it was always a relief to see Butters, the guys brain was like play-dough you could tell him anything, and I mean anything.

Heh, three simple, trite words were all it really took. trite, but potent, so potent he nearly choked on them the first time around.

truth is, cartman didn't love butters, in fact he barely liked him. He preferred Kyle's company to butter's even though they spent all their time together fighting, at least, when Kyle's full Jew rage was unleashed he was as heartless and conniving as Cartman himself. and that, was someone Cartman could respect.

Butters on the other hand... butters was pathetic. if life was a jungle, Butters would've been eaten along time ago, probably by hamsters.  
But he was useful, people like Cartman, the top dogs, sometimes needed to have people like butters, the pathetic lackeys, around to do their bidding.

no doubt the reason kyle kept stan around.

so that whole gay thing with butters, that's what you'd call packing.

He barely got a chance to relax when officer Barbrady came knocking at his door. He'd been hoping to get some sleep, but noooo, south park had to do it's banishing in the wee hours of the morn' for some reason.

He glared at the fat confused policeman. "what!"

officer Barbrady wiped some sweat from his brow and started read tentatively from a piece of paper he had with him "E-rick carmen..."

one day, it's going to be a sin to mispronounce his name, one day you'll see.

"you are here-bee rick-wired to appear before the south park tribunal in-in the town square" he stopped reading, obviously exhausted "you have to come with me"

"and what would you do if I ran?" Asked Cartman hopping from one foot to the other.

"uuhhh I'd have to shoot you if you did that"

Cartman stopped hopping, he knew a hand gun was only accurate under five yards, less accurate in the hands of officer barbrady. but also knew he couldn't run five yards without being reduced to a wheezing wreck.

the image of officer Barbrady standing over his dead body going "there's nothing to see here" wasn't a good one.

"Fine!" he huffed and followed the plump policeman to the town square where a crowd was already gathered.  
they've come watch him fall, Ha!

"finally here, I see.." said the Mayor raising an eyebrow. He gave her a withering glare, he was trying to think of something witty to say but the lack of sleep wasn't helping.

"well, lets get this over with" she continued, she pulled out an ancient scroll and started reading "as it was in the time of out forefathers blah blah blah, Eric Cartman, we've had all we can take from you and we won't stand for it anymore, for innumerable crimes against the people of south park you are hereby banished for all eternity never to return and darken our door with your presence again."

he scanned the crowd, his so called friends were there, Kyle, standing between Stan and Kenny, wearing a big grin. he looked like Christmas had come early, or whatever it was that Jews celebrated, Jewsmas.

"usually we'd tie you up, put you on a horse and send you on your way" said the Mayor "but farmer jenkins wasn't willing to let any of his horses get crushed like that"

there was some sniggering from the crowd.

it dawned on Cartman that THAT was a jab at his weight, that woke him up instantly "AAAII! Ai'm not fat! you dried up skank!"

He turned his glare to the crowd. "you bastards think your throwing ME out? you're not throwing me out! Ai'm leaving on ma own!"

"but..its not a banishing without tying someone up" Muttered Randy Marsh, in the crowd, he was holding a bundle of rope and looking forlorn.

Cartman blinked a few times and continued his tirade

"I'LL BE BACK! i'll be back like Freddie Kruger in your FUCKING dreams! you'll see!" by some silent agreement he didn't resist too much as Randy wrapped his bundle of rope around him just continued yelling "you'll see!"

Chris Stotch, butters dad, shuffled out of the crowd holding a giant conch shell and started blowing into into it.

They loaded a cussing angry Cartman into the back of a truck and drove him out of town

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Butters didn't get much sleep, not after the love confession. the only sleep he got were fitful nightmares.  
He woke up in a cold sweat to find that it was already seven o'clock.

He must be gone by now... he thought as he stared at the fella, it must feel terrible to be chased out of town by the people you love. he must be so desolate and alone.  
it hurt Butters to even think of the pain Eric must be going through. right about now he must feel like he hasn't a friend in the world.  
well, Butters was his friend, and Eric loved him, the thought sent his heart aflutter and made his blood run cold at the same time. he wasn't gay but the thought of anybody loving him was... so strange and magnificent.

he wanted to let Eric know that his feelings were at least appreciated if not returned.

maybe, maybe he wasn't gone yet. maybe he could still catch him before he was sent away.

he got up and changed as fast as he could.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

a few years ago Cartman had wanted a car not just any car, but the biggest, baddest most expensive car in the world, and THEN, his mother told him in the most apologetic tone she could muster that, as a crack whore, she really didn't make that much money. So he had to settle for a much cheaper car that was at least bright red.

Currently he was sitting at the side of the road waiting for that car to come to view. the happy citizens of South park were probably hoping he'd starve to death out here, but luckily for him he had a mother who would do anything for him.

He grinned as he saw his car round the corner, he grinned even wider when the car was close enough to see who was inside, Butters. Butters was sitting in the passenger seat next to Cartman's mother. he had that look on his face, the look of someone listening to a prostitute tell them about their day.

ha! hahahahahaha! he didn't laugh out loud just in his head, he knew Butters would come, but when you play that game there always that chance, that slim chance that things wouldn't go as planned. it was like playing battleship, and he always won.

Liane parked the car and waved to her son. "mummy's here, poopsie!" she ran over to her son and hugged him, he patted her back nervously looking embarrassed.

Butters staggered out of the car, face red, throwing a few odd glances liane's way.

"I packed all your clothes" Liane continued "there's a cooler full of food so you won't starve. and, don't worry, I didn't forget to pack Clydefro-"

"mom!" Cartman cut her off before she could embarrass him, Jesus, he was eighteen. way too old to let people know about Clydefrog.

he turned his attention to Butters, who looked shocked for a second then ran up to hug him.

"Eric!" he broke their hug to look up into Cartman's eyes. "are you okay?"

"huh? oh yea" for a second he forgot to put on his face. he put on the saddest soppiest look ever, like a hush puppy.

"oh Butters, I just don't know what Ai'm going to do.  
Ai'm so ...very alone."

on cue, tears formed on the edges of Butters big blue eyes.

"Ai'm not even sure where Ai'm going to go. my only comfort is..." like an eagle swooping down for the kill he cupped Butters face in his hands, squishing his cheeks together "..that your here with me"

he lowered his eyes "to bad your not coming with me" he said softly.

"w-well I.."

"you should, considering how much you love me"

"b-but I don't..."

"don't be silly, Butters, I can see it in your eyes"

"you can?"

"I know you better than you know yourself."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm in love? thought Butters. this heartbeat in his ears feeling around Eric was love? he thought it was fear, the by product of many, many bad experiences. But, but 'love' that made so much sense. He was in love with Eric cartman and.. oh my god. he might never see him again.

he HAD to go with him. but wait! his parents, they'll be so upset if he just left like that. he wasn't really allowed out of town but....

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I-I'll go with you!"

haha oh my god, this guy had like no personality AT ALL. what a loser! He smiled and put an arm around butters.

"oh really? that's, that's so great butters! thank you!" he swung Butters back toward the car.

his mother stood there looking worried, she had stood there watching their interaction with an uncomfortable look on her face and was now wondering how she was going to get home.

"Eric, sweety, I don't suppose you drive mummy home could you?"

Cartman sighed "no, moooommm, I've been banished remember? they'll kill me if I go back there"

Liane frowned "oh, I suppose I'll walk then..." She started her journey, she had a long walk ahead of her.

Cartman shoved butters into the passenger seat. then started to look a bit worried. "Watch out for serial killers, mom!" he yelled at his mother's retreating back.

"don't worry, poopsie, mummy has mace" she called back.

"damn!" he slammed his fists onto the car roof " *I* shoulda brought some mace! now I'll probably get raped in my sleep" he glared at Butters, that's what he was here for Cartman wasn't about to go it alone, and any passing rapist would probably pick of Butters first.  
After a moment's thought he yanked Butters out of the passenger seat. "I'm sleepy, you drive"

Butters looked panicked "but, Eric, I can't drive! y-you know what happens!" every time Butters took hold of a steering wheel people died.

"I Don't CARE, Butters" said Cartman leaning back in the passenger seat and closing his eyes.

"well... where are we going?"

"anywhere but here" Cartman muttered, dozing off already

"anywhere but here.." 


	2. He's NOT my brother!

"Eric?...Eric?...wake up, Eric."

Cartman tried to roll over on the uncomfortable car seat.

"not now, mom!"

"It's me, Eric, Butters!" Butters screeched, well, he must've screeched, it was so loud. goddammit, Well, you couldn't blame him for thinking it was his mom not many people called him by his first name.

Butters smiled at him. He seemed to expect Cartman to be happy to see him. Cartman glared at him. "what?"

Butters smile disappeared "oh, um... we're getting pretty close to another town so I thought I should wake you up. and, um... " The boy looked troubled "you know how yesterday,um , earlier today, you said that we... we're in love and s-stuff?"

oh...damn..that's right, but he only said that because it was the ONLY thing that would get Butters to leave with him. Threats would've only gotten him tears, Calling upon their friendship would've won him all of Butters money and a warbled excuse about how upset his parents would get.

But Butters was a romantic, years of chick flicks had convinced him the it's ONLY okay to defy your parents if love was involved.

Cartman sunk lower into his seat and forced a smile at Butters. He really wasn't in the mood for this. Butters smiled back relieved for a second then went back to stuttering "Only, I was thinking while I was driving, and I know I shouldnta've been thinking while driving because you know what happened last time..."

"who'd you kill this time, Butters?"

"NO! no-nobody... I was just wondering, um, are we... a couple?"

Cartman stared at Butters, IIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! "Don't be an asshole, Butters, of course were a couple." He said swallowing down the bile in his throat.

He noticed the car was parked at the side of the road, of course, if Butters can't think and drive at the same time, driving and talking was out of the question.

Butters stared at him "it happened so fast, Eric"

"what are you saying?" Cartman tried to make it sound like if Butters left him he'll just die.

Butters glared at him "W-What I'm saying is I just left my parents without even sayin' good bye, and their gonna be awful sore when they find out" he paused for a minute, staring out the car window "you aren't- you're not playing a trick on me are you?"

Cartman looked shocked "what? me? Butters you asshole! what kind of douche bag would lie about something like this!"

This always works on Butters, he was so willing tobelieve that he's a terrible person. you could see the guilt seep into his eyes and spread to the rest of his face. He lowered his head resting it on the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry, Eric"

"you should be"

"It just doesn't feel like...." Butters muttered under his breath. He stopped and shook his head, then raised it slightly looking up into Cartman's eyes "you know couples, um, kiss"

"YOU WANT TO KISS?" What's wrong with this guy? He can't seriously want to...  
"REAL couples kiss" Butters told him in huffy tone.

ma god. He was testing him, that's what this was. The little rat! The little fag needed a kiss to stay around, well, so be it. Frankly Cartman had no doubt in his kissing prowess, well, maybe a little... truth is he's always been too busy...getting ahead, taking names and being an all around awesome person to actually kiss someone.

His last kiss had been when he was eight when Wendy Testaberger, obviously enamored by his charm, forced a kiss on him during debate club. Later, she said it was only to relieve the sexual tension between them proving to Cartman, one and for all, that all girls are sluts.

He hadn't really been involved in that kiss, but how hard could it be.

He grabbed Butters' collar and pulled him close "Fine, we'll kiss" He said, trying to make his voice deep and sexy.

Their lips touched. The kiss seemed to last forever...  
Mostly because it was TERRIBLE! neither of them had the forethought and decency to close their eyes, they just stared at each other lips pressed together awkwardly.

try as he might Cartman couldn't unclamp his jaw, Butters wasn't any help either he just sat there.

eventually Cartman shot back and faked a coughing fit.

"Dammit butters just drive into town already!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Feeling awkward and embarrassed Butters turned of the hand brake and headed for the town.

He was pretty sure it was his fault the kiss wasn't any good, he didn't expect Eric to actually kiss him and panicked.

He tried to keep his undivided attention on the road but couldn't help being distracted by the heat of Eric's stare. It was like a cat's stare.

He didn't know how much longer he could stand the tension in the air.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was Cartman who flew out of the car as soon as they parked.

"listen, Butters" He gasped "you head on over to that motel and see if they have a rooms. we'll meet up here later"

Butters looked up at him with his big sad eyes "where will you go?"

"I have business to take care of." Cartman replied eying a nearby diner.

Once butters was out of site he breathed a sigh of relief. well, that sucked. It wasn't his fault though, butters was a terrible kisser and he couldn't concentrate on an empty stomach. It was already five o'clock and he hadn't even had BREAKFAST. sure, he'd been asleep most of the day but BREAKFAST! ...and lunch.  
he had a lot of catching up to do.

It was one of those small town diners, with red leather seats and an old jukebox playing warbled country music in the corner.

He squeezed him self between a table and leather seat.

He hated when seats where like nailed down so only small-boned people could fit in the spaces.

"AI!" He yelled at the waitress, who glared at him "I need some food over here!"

She raised an eyebrow at him "do you?"

He narrowed his eyes at her "I'm orderin three burgers and a milkshake, bitch, don't skimp on the sauce."

Sure the waitress was probably going to spit on his food, but being yelled at was what service people were for and the sooner they accepted their role in society the better.

He spent the time waiting for his food sending messages on his mobile, to Clyde mostly, because Clyde was still cool unlike MOST of his friends. He really wanted to know how his home town was doing, he could imagine it going to ruin as soon as he left.

He didn't see this 'banishment' thing as something permanent, not really, soon, the people of south park will realize how much they need him and they'll come begging for him to return.

Finally his food actually kinda jumped since the waitress slammed the tray down in front of him.

"bitch."

He was too hungry to complain much, and dug in a soon as she turned her back. Food always had his undivided attention. So much so he could lose track of time.  
He was diving enthusiastically into his second burger when he heard a voice greeting him.

"hullo there, Eric..." it was raspy and cold.

Cartman stopped chewing. that wasn't Butters...

There weren't many people who called Cartman by his first name, sometimes authority figures and adults called him by his first name to appear chummy, but mostly it was his mom, Butters and... one other person.

He looked up at the person sitting across from him, he hadn't even noticed him sitting down, he tried to remember how to breathe.

Scott tenormann!

There wasn't anyone in the world who wanted Cartman dead more than Scott. There wasn't anyone who had attempted to kill Cartman more than Scott, who smiled at him.

"Fancy running into you here."

shitshitshitshit! He must've followed him here! HE had been lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that it's been a while since the last murder attempt. He tried to relax. He couldn't sound like a weak little pussy in front of this guy.

"s-scott?..heh"

Damn! He stuttered! Maybe he didn't notice? Of course he noticed. gawd!

He reached for his milkshake and took a careful sip.

"long time no see."

with one swift, panicked, movement he splashed his milkshake on his enemy's face, grabbed his mobile phone, and ran away as fast as he could. Not even looking back to see the look on scott's face with milkshake all over it.

He ran towards the car and was about to get in and drive away when he saw Butters, heading towards him looking upset about something.

He ran up to Butters"Oh Eric! It's terrible!" Wailed Butters, his already naturally sad looking eyes looking downright miserable.

Cartman didn't even stop to listen to him, he grabbed the scrawny boy by the scruff of his neck and threw him into the car's passenger seat.

He scrambled into the driver's seat as fast as he could throwing his mobile in ahead of him, it landed on Butters lap who was apparently to upset save himself from getting a radioactive crotch.

As Cartman started the car and drove the hell out of town Butters started whining about HIS problems.

"My- my card, my credit card it been cut off! My parents must've... They know, Eric! They know about us!" Tears streamed down his cheeks. "I shouldn't have come. I shoulda at least told them where I was going!"

"Butters! Can't you see I've got my own problems right now?" Cartman snapped at him.

"why no!" Butters blinked at him with tear soaked eyes "w-what's going on?"

Cartman took a deep breath to steady himself. Before he could say anything his phone started ringing. Oh god, that better not be who he thinks it is calling. He turned to Butters. Butters eyebrows where knotted together. Cartman could practically SEE him think. There was a strange sensation coming from his lap but he couldn't quite figure out what it is.

Then like a toaster finally snapping to attention. "Eric, you're phone!"

Cartman bit his lip. "YOU answer it."

Butters shrugged and answered the phone "hello?...  
oh hi!...  
I'm fine! How are you?"

"Who is it?" Barked Cartman, annoyed.

Butters put a hand on the mobile "It's you're brother, Eric!"

"I DON'T HAVE A BROTHER!" Cartman snatched the phone from Butters and slammed it into the dashboard, so hard it broke.

They drove in awkward silence.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So he had a friend with him. no matter, it didn't make a difference, not in the long run. He was still vulnerable on the open road, a sitting duck.

Scott had tried to kill Cartman many times, and Cartman had been lucky many, many times.

But Scott only had to be lucky once...

If there was one thing he knew for sure since his world fell apart it was that Eric Cartman had to die, slowly and painfully...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Butters sat stiffly staring at the empty stretch of road ahead of him. They were well out of the town now and it was getting dark.

He wondered if he should risk starting a conversation.

Eric seemed tense, maybe he shouldn't.

"He's going to- He wants to kill me..." Muttered Eric softly, almost under his breath. not looking at butters.

"I know." whispered Butters.

"...and he's not my brother..."

"okay..."

They parked at a lonely gas station. Cartman got out of the car rubbing his head. Butters stayed put, hands firmly at his knees.

He had alot to process right now. He wasn't very good at processing.

His parents cutting of his credit card was their silent way of saying they've disowned him. He loved his parents. sure, they took every chance to punish him but...he needed them. How was he going to live his life now without them telling him what he was doing wrong?

He lowered his head onto his knees wrapping his arms around himself. Then he heard a tapping and looked up. It was Eric at the passenger seat window. Butters rolled down the window.

Eric leaned in "so you don't have ANY cash?"

"I have a little cash..I.." Butters twiddled his fingers and reached for his wallet to check "I have forty dollars" He said pulling out a wad of cash.

Eric snatched it out of Butters hands "good. I'm gonna buy some beer from the convenience store, you want any?"

"we're underage, Eric"

His fat "lover" stared at him long and hard "pfft, your loss, Fag" Then he was gone.

Be positive, Butters, sure your parent hate you but you've got Eric. He maybe a jerk on the outside but inside... well, he loves you, and that's all you need in life, really, someone who loves you.

He smiled at Eric when he came back lugging a six pack of beer and several packets of potato chips.

The fat teen frowned. "what?"

"I was just thinkin, Eric.."

"oh" muttered Eric not asking for more clarification, he sat in the back seat and popped open one of the chips packets "turn on the radio, Butters"

Butters did as he was told and slipped into the backseat with Eric.

"We s-sure have our troubles! eh, Eric? But you know what?" He put a hand on Eric's shoulder "love will find a way!"

Eric looked frightened "Find a way to what?"

Butters shrugged "I-I dunno, anything I guess...A way to fix everything, I suppose." He wrapped an arm around his 'boyfriend' and snuggled into him, he was surprisingly soft and warm.

Cartman bit his lip for a nervous second then sighed sinking into the seat.

"Fag" 


	3. Fags!

(Author's note: Thanks for all the favs, I was hoping for reviews but yea. better favs than nothing I suppose....)

Cartman woke up. it was dawn near the gas station, where they had parked all night and something uncomfortable was jammed behind him. he shifted around trying to reach it and grabbed a handful of hair.

It was Butters. apparently Butters can fold his body down to half its size and wedge himself uncomfortably in your back. Cartman couldn't decide whether this was was useful feature to have in a friend or a terrible one. he'd have to go with the latter considering the ache he going experience for the rest of the day. though Butters folding up powers might be put to use by stuffing him in a box and leaving him the trunk of the car where he wont cause any more trouble.

He pushed the sleeping Butters into the small foot space you get between backseat and front seat. There, out of sight out of mind, now, whats for breakfast?

His mom had packed a cooler full of food for him, now was the time to eat!

She had packed him several sandwiches, a six pack of cola and a cake.  
Cartman frowned at the cake, it had the words "missing you" scrawled cheesely on top.

Gawd.

If only he still had his phone. He'd call her up right now and complain about her leaving faggy messages on his food. it was almost enough to make you lose your appetite, almost...

as he bit into his sandwich a thought struck him, he was phoneless. back home, as soon as he broke one of his phones his mom would get him a new one. right now, between towns, he had no way of knowing what his friends were doing!

They'd better not be enjoying themselves!

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kyle was drunk. He had been drunk yesterday and was planning to be drunk all of today too. He wasn't really the type to get drunk and let loose but, the way he saw it, Cartman leaving was the biggest and best cause for celebration.

"When I woke up today you know what I saw, Stan? a rainbow! A fucking rainbow!" He sat back and sighed happily "I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life."

Stan chuckled. "you did NOT see a rainbow, dude, I mean, I woulda seen it too"

Kyle shrugged. "you don't wake up early enough"

They were hanging out in kenny's room, where there were no rules and plenty of 'interesting' magazines to flip through.

Craig, Tweek, Token and Clyde were with them. in sheer mass they were the perfect replacement for Cartman.

"Don't you think it's kinda ...weird without him around?" Asked Stan.

Kyle looked up at him. yes, UP at him. In a, thankfully

failed, attempt to ruin their friendship, fate had decided that Kyle will inherit his height from his mother, meanwhile Stan's life as one of the jocks helped him grow up to be extremely tall and healthy.

so Kyle was forced to address Stan's nostrils every time he talked to him.

He glared at said offending nostrils "what do you mean?"

"nothing! Just.. it's kinda quiet, that's all"

"I LIKE quiet" interrupted Token.

"you know Butters went with him" Continued Stan.

Kenny made some strange hand gestures and laughed "mmrffpph mrh rhrhrh!"

"yea, I heard that too" Said Craig grinning wide.

Kyle laughed "Poor Butters! He really knows how to pick em' doesn't he?"

everybody laughed. everybody, that is, except Tweek. He sat in his own little corner behind Token shaking like a leaf. "Don't laugh at him, guys! He'll get us!"

his friends stared at him "who? Butters?"

"GRAAAHH! ..no! Cartman! He said he'll get us in our dreams! DON'T YOU REMEMBER?"

Stan rolled his eyes "nobody dreamt Cartman, Tweek!"

"I did." said Craig, Looking just a little bit haunted.

"JESUS! LORD IN HEAVEN!" Tweek spasmed so hard it looked like his head could have snapped of from the force.

"it was just a dream" muttered Craig, already regretting telling them about his dreams but just had to add "he chased me..."

Tweek grabbed Craig's shoulders and shook him screaming "DON'T WORRY! DON'T WORRY! JUST RELAX!"

In his bid to ease Craig's mind, he started doing Lamaze.

"I got a message from Cartman yesterday" added Clyde."couldn't reply though, his phone must be off"

"mrrt mff mre fay?"

Clyde looked at his phone. "he told me to tell Kyle to lay of the booze cause he'll be be back" Kyle narrowed his eyes at his glass it was still half full of sweet, sweet liqueur.

"fuck him" he muttered putting it down.

OOOOOOOOOOO

"..but I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies" They were driving down the road with the radio blaring.

It didn't worry Butters so much that Eric was singing along. What worried him was how he sung along with with his eyes closed.

"all I wan't is someone to beliieeeeeve"

He was pretty sure you shouldn't drive with your eyes closed.

"you're a really good singer, Eric" He said, hoping the compliment will snap Eric out of his reverie.

"one of us has to be, YOU sound like a trapped cat" Eric laughed and then went back to singing. "Honestyyyy is such a lonely wordeveryone is so untruuuue"

Butters pouted. Part of him had hoped that now that him and Eric were a couple the bullying and the insults would stop, but that didn't seem to be the case. why, just this morning he had woken up to find himself stuffed in the trunk.  
If it went on like this he might just have to withhold sex.  
though...Eric didn't seem to want any in the first place...

speaking of which, He stole a side long glance at his new 'boyfriend', he didn't really find Eric very attractive, not in 'that' way. not in the same way he's found GIRLS attractive.

"We aren't a very.. intimate couple are we, Eric?"

Eric frowned.

"I mean, We never ever even cuddle!" continued Butters "how come we don't cuddle, Eric"

"First you wanna kiss, now you wanna cuddle? my god, you're a fag Butters"

now it was Butters turn to frown.

"you're a fag, too..."

The car screeched to a halt. Butters' head hit the windshield.

"WHAT DID YO CALL ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH?"

Butters cowered "w-well YOU said w-we're a couple so that makes us gay!" He tried to build up some courage. "s-so you can't call ME a fag because YOU'RE a fag too!"

Eric stared at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

"sc-screw you, Butters!" He said, finally jumping out of the car and slamming the door behind him.

Butters knocked his knuckles together nervously. Maybe he was a bit harsh. Eric didn't really take well to insults.

Butters vaguely remembered mrs. Cartman telling him that it was because Eric was a sensitive soul.

Gosh, he should go make things right again. He left the car and went after Eric.

"I didn't mean it like that, Eric! Don't be upset!"

"upset? I'm not upset! Why the hell would I be upset!" He yelled, obviously upset.

He stormed away, stomping on thick Colorado grass, they were far enough down the mountains that the perpetual snow of south park had given away to grassy pastures.

He turned to Butters, growling "You know, I didn't bring you here to insult me! I coulda left you back there, wallowing in your own misery in that backwards town but, no, I HAD to be nice to you, Butters, because I like you, I took you in, and all you do is nag and insult me"

Butters looked at his feet, ashamed, he didn't realize he'd been that bad to Eric. "oh shucks, I'm-I'm sorry...I"

Eric folded his arms together. "I shouldn't have brought you with me..I mean, I don't really need you for anything"

Butters looked up at Eric quizzically, who looked like he was thinking something over, a slow smile crawled up his face. "let me tell you something, Butters..."

The immanent feeling that his world was about to come

crashing down on him was interrupted by an explosion and a force that slammed into his back and knocked him into Eric's gut.

He wrapped his arms around him and waited for the ringing in his ears to stop.

They were hugging because, for a second, it really seemed like the world was ending.  
Cartman ended up on the ground, holding on to Butters who's head was sinking into his chest.

He worried that Butters could hear his heart racing so he pushed him away, and stood up.  
"my car!" It had blown up like a bad terrorist movie. "my FUCKING car!" He ran up to the wreckage "FUCK!"

It was all gone, the cooler had been knocked open and contents were either burned to a crisp or splayed out on the street. the 'missing you' cake was lying on it's face. "..!" He couldn't even swear, he could barely stand up. he lowered himself down to the ground.

"...there's nothing left..."

Butters walked up to him, his shoes crunching on broken windshield glass. "Eric ..." He looked around.

"look, Eric, this sandwich's fine!" He chirped, Butters voice always turned into a little twitter whenever he was trying to be sympathetic, it was sickening.

"see! it's still wrapped in plastic and everythin'" He started salvaging what he could find while Cartman tried not to cry.  
He wouldn't, not considering all the people it'd cheer up.

But he was in the middle of nowhere, with no mobile phone, no car and only one sandwich. He was going to die out here.

He would've already been dead if Butters hadn't called him a fag. He glared at Butters, who was running up to him holding a large bundle "your suitcase got burned pretty bad, but i managed to save some of your clothes"

He hoisted the bundle up higher so Carman could get a better view "..and guess who made it?" he chirped again in a sing-song voice pulling a tattered stuffed frog out of the pile and smiling at Cartman.

Cartman snatched Clyde-frog away from Butters as fast as he could and stuffed him into his pockets.

He took a deep breath to compose himself and stood up. "Damn that fucking Scott Tenorman. I'm going to get him for this" He lied he really had no intention to do anything other than run away.

He started walking by the side of the road in the direction they'd been driving. "come on, Butters"

Hopefully they'll run into civilization soon.

Butters followed him trying to fold the bundle of clothes and walk at the same time. Then he seemed to remember something. "Eric...?"

"hmm?"

"What were you going to tell me before the car exploded?"

Cartman looked at Butters, into his big drooping eyes and face that always looked like it was about to melt.

"I can't remember" He lied again.

Butters sighed "too bad we don't have a radio anymore, it's awfully quiet out here. Don't you think it's awfully quiet? I liked that 'honesty' song, didn't you?"

"yes I did, Butters" agreed Cartman without a hint of remorse.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Brendon Chuckhill was a lowly truck driver, he spent all his days driving back and forth along route 285, a road that cut through park county and ended somewhere in Denver, usually in a state of near comatose boredom.

Today the humdrum of his life was interrupted by the sight of two hitchhikers, not that hitchhikers were that strange a sight on this road.

but the sight of them subconsciously registered the number ten in the back of Brendon's mind, a bit later he realized it was because the two hitchhikers, a skinny, lanky one and a near spherical fat one, LOOKED like the number Ten out for a stroll.  
He stopped the truck in front of them. "where ya two headed?"

"Denver!" Answered the skinny one, he had light blond hair and what seemed like a permanently worried expression plastered on his face. He looked at his fat friend. "Denver, right?"

The fat friend nodded then glared up at Brendon.

Suddenly, he seemed ill at ease.

"wait, Butters!" He barked, placing a hand on Butters shoulder.

"But, Eric, he might take us to Denver!"

"we're not going with THAT guy! He's a GINGER!"

Brendon lifted an eyebrow quizzically "excuse me?"

Eric shot another glare at him and started a hushed, albeit loud enough for Brendon to hear, discussion.

"He's a ginger! you CAN'T trust gingers, Butters, they all work for HIM"

"th-they do?"

"duh"

"Oh my god!"

They both turned Brendon. "s-sorry, sir, um we-we're having a swell time just walkin" Said Butters grinning nervously.  
"yea, fuck off, Ginger!"

"yer loss" snorted Brendon and drove away.

When he was a few miles away he picked his phone and called his boss.

"Well?" snapped Scott.

"He's...still alive, Sir" Muttered Brendon, A.K.A Ginger number # 3784, gruffly.

"shit..."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Scott groaned and leaned back on the tattered couch he was sitting on, he was currently residing at a cheap motel waiting, hoping, for some good news.  
But no, Eric was a tough one. you could stick a bomb RIGHT UNDER HIS ASS and he'd still walk away without a scratch.

"sometimes I wonder about the logic of it all, good people get knocked down everyday and that- that THING just keeps on going!"

"sir?" muttered Ginger # 3784 still on the other line.

"Did he say where they were heading?"

"Denver, Sir, but they probably wont make it, it's a long walk"

Scott rested his chin on his hand and smiled dryly "oh, they'll make it, they'll make it..." His fake smile turned into a heartfelt frown "he's my father's son after all..." he added in a whisper.

He sighed. "tell me, number# 3784, how was he? was he scared? startled?"

"he DID seem a bit high-strung" replied number# 3784, losing interest in the conversation.

He sighed again, this time happier, and ended the call.  
So...Denver eh? The mile-high City, it was a big place, but then everywhere was a big place compared to south park.

You'd better be scared, Eric, because when I finally get my hands on you I'm going to make you BLEED for what you did.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Butters plodded along after Eric, part of him didn't see why they couldn't hitch a ride with the red-headed truck driver.

In the midst of his brooding he noticed something that cheered him up immensely.

He started skipping ahead. "look, Eric, look! A biker bar!"

"We're not going into a biker bar, Butters, it's a movie cliche"

"Huh?"

Eric rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh "In the movies, whenever people are on the road they end up getting in trouble with a biker gang, it's a CLICHE and I'm not going to have anything to do with it."

Butters eyed the parked motorbikes hungrily biting his lip. "B-but, Eric, we'd get to Denver faster if we had bikes!"

Eric smiled at him evilly "Butters! are you telling me to STEAL?"

"what? no! I mean.." Butters stopped, Eric's approving smile and his own need to break free were telling him 'oh what the heck! you're on the road anyway you've got nothing to lose!' "yes. YES! let's steal a motorbike, Eric!

Eric laughed. "god! you're dumb, Butters"

He looked at Butters up and down. "I have a better idea" He said. From a pocket inside his jacket he pulled out a tall brown wig and plopped it onto Butter's head.

Butters stood as still as he could while Eric ran his fingers through his fake hair trying to straighten it.

"W-what are we doing, Eric?"  
"shhhh" Eric grinned and pulled up Butters shirt.  
THIS IS IT! Butters thought far too eagerly, This is the part where I get to withhold sex!

To his disappointment, and slight relief, the only thing Eric did was stuff the bundle of clothes Butters was carrying up his shirt.

"there, you're preggers" Said Eric, pleased with himself.  
"I'm what?" Butters suddenly realized how he must look "oh, oh, I don't think I'll like this plan, Eric"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Inside the biker bar large bikers nursed their beers. Cigarette smoke hung in the air like a veil. Guitar music was playing.

Suddenly, a fat man burst in dragging a woman behind him "you gotta help me! You gotta help me! my WIFE'S about to give birth!" On cue he looked at his wife.  
She seemed limp, he shook her to get a reaction out of her "er.. oh oh OH I'm-I'm gonna give birth! oh no!" she said.

The bikers stared.

"YOU!" exclaimed the fat man, pointing at one of the bikers "Let me borrow your bike, sir, so I can drive her to the nearest hospital, please sir!"

The biker started to mull this over.

The pleading husband elbowed his wife who instantly started up again "OH MA GAWD! I-it's ...trying to crawl out through ma liver!" she started breathing heavily and gasping.

startled the biker handed the man his keys. "that poor woman" he muttered.

"thank you! thank you! Don't you worry,sir ,we'll bring her back right as rain" The fat man grabbed his wife by the hand and started dragging her toward the door.  
Right as there were about to leave the wife, apparently 'gave birth' to a bundle of laundry and a stuffed frog.  
She stood there looking mortified.

Her husband reached down, picked up the frog and ran.

she ran out after him.

a few seconds later the bikers realized that they've just been had!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"run, run, run, run!"

Butters snatched the keys out of Cartman's hand and hopped on the bike. Cartman climbed up behind him "Ai! you know how to drive this thing?"

"sure!" Chirped Butters "I read all about it!"

Cartman held on for dear life as the motorbike jolted forward. "It's harder than it sounded" muttered Butters trying to get control of the steering.  
Cartman closed his eyes and buried his head in Butters back "I swear to god if you kill me, Butters, I'll SLAUGHTER you!"

But, thankfully, the swerving stopped.

Butters took control of the bike and grinned "I always wanted to ride a motorbike!" he yelled, trying to be heard over the roar of the engine "I can't believe I'm doing it!"

"yea, all that power between your legs must be dream come true for YOU, you little faggot."

"what? I can't hear you!" Butters strained his ears against the noise.

"I FUCKING HATE MOTORBIKES!" 


	4. Butters the man

Thanks for the reviews! I LOVE YOU! (GGRRRAAAHHH! I'm so pissed off a ffnet I can't use astrixs or even NUMBERS to seperate my story into sections?

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Clyde was trying to sleep. It wasn't easy. As the previously second fattest kid in south park he'd been sweating it out the past couple days just waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe, now that he was nearly eighteen he'll count as one of the adults, he was pretty sure there were fatter adults than him. I mean, he wasn't even THAT fat, compared to Cartman's near spherical body he was just a pleasant pear shape.

He pulled his blankets over his head and tried to drown out the obtrusive thoughts with thoughts of cheerleaders. Beautiful scantly clad cheerleaders, not too skinny and not too picky about the men they want to be with. Yesss. His eyes started to droop when a strange clatter woke him up.  
He looked around. There was someone in his room! Who ever it is was crouched in front of the electric socket in the corner.

"who's there?" He said pulling up his blanket.

A strange light emitted from in front of the crouched person.

"Who are you?" clyde asked again, voice getting urgent. Heart beating against his chest.

The person stood up and turned around he still couldn't see who it was as the light cast it's face into shadow.

"I'm gonna call the cops!" He threatened trying to gouge whether he could make it to the door before he was raped and killed by his mysterious assailant.

"Ooh you don't have to be scared anymore, poopsie, I put up your nightlight." it said in a sweet feminine voice walking up to him.

He realized who it was. "M-Mrs Cartman?"

She stood by his bedside and tucked him in. "Mommy's here..." She assured him planting a kiss on his forehead.

"..huh?"

Then she left...

via the window.

"what the hell..?" Clyde muttered to himself.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Butters fidgeted with the motorbike keys in his hand. He had his very own motor bike, the thought still amazed him.

sure, he'd have to give it back, keeping it was wrong...but if only for a little while he had his own motor bike.

He wanted to be out there right now riding on the open highway instead he was here, in a boring art museum.

He sighed. "Why are we here, Eric?"

"Cause I'm a genius!"

Butters blinked a few times. "you ARE?" He asked overcome with shock.

Eric narrowed his eyes then groaned "Gawd! What the fuck is wrong with you, Butters? Of course I am! Listen..." He put an arm around Butters and pulled him close. "We're trying to avoid Scott, right?"

"We are?"

"Right!" Eric continued hearing whatever he wanted to hear. "And I know that he knows pretty much everything there is to know about me."

"He does?"

"yea, I dunno why. He's..in love with me or something..."

Butter thought about that sentence, it left horrible images seared into his mind. "..Um, yuck"

Eric nodded "I know, I know. That's why I'm here, Butters, I would never be caught dead in an Art museum"

"But we're in an Art museum right now, Eric!" Then it dawned on him "Oooooh!" He looked at Eric in a new light "boy, your clever, Eric"

"Told you I'm a genius!"

Butters went back to playing with the motorbike keys. "so, how long do we have to stay here?"

Eric Cartman's eyes snapped open "shit." He muttered under his breath. He hadn't thought of that...

"How long-?" Butters started asking again.

"Shut up!" Eric snapped. "Look, the place has a mother fucking restaurant AND a gift shop we can stay here forever!"

"But I don't wanna live her forever! Where will we sleep?"

"Anywhere we want. I'm sure one of these stupid exhibits looks like a bed."

Butters pouted and shoved the keys into his back pocket.

They spent the day wandering around the museum.

"Everybody here looks so neat and tidy" Butters complained to Eric's unresponsive ear. "I haven't had a bath in DAYS! T-They probably all can smell me..." He hugged himself looking around at the happy museum goers, the thought of them smelling him gave them a sinister voyeuristic quality. "can YOU smell me, Eric?"

That's when he realized that Eric wasn't just unresponsive he was gone!

"Eric?"

He looked around. where could he have gone? "Eric!"

He started to worry, what if something happened to him? What if Scott got him! He should've been paying more attention to his boyfriend! He was responsible!

"ERIC!"

A woman grabbed his wrists, stopping him "shutupshutupshutup!" She hissed.

He looked at her through watery eyes "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I'm just looking for my guy. H-have you seen him?"

"it's me, you retard!"

Butters looked at the woman. "...Eric?" Eric was very good at dressing up like a lady, apparently. The hair that Butters had been wearing just earlier today was now on Eric's head. except on Butters it had looked like a tattered dead thing on Eric it looked like a tasteful souffle of hair. He must've been wearing a corset of some sort because his usually spherical body was toned downed to a bulbous hour glass. He was wearing a red dress with a low neckline that stopped just under the knees, it was the low neckline that really astounded Butters. Maybe it was the corset or the cut of the dress that picked up Eric's man breasts and squeezed them together so tight it formed a tasteful bit of cleavage.

"My eyes are up here!" snapped Eric, pursing his lipstick laden lips together.

"..E-Eric, why...are you dressed like a..." He struggled to find the right word "like a lady?"

"cause I'm a genius!" He said again, sticking out his chest proudly, bringing Butters attention back to the cleavage.

"I thought I saw Scott." continued Eric. "so I put on this DEVILISH disguise! What do you think? no-one will ever guess it's me."

"devilish.." Muttered Butters under his breath.

Eric looked bored for a second. "I'm starving" he announced loudly. "Where's the restaurant?"

"uh..I'll g-get the door for you!" Butters stuttered tripping over himself to get to the door.

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sure, it hurt like hell. the corset cut into him like a razor blade. breathing was becoming a chore, but no genius disguise was without it's downsides.

Besides he'd passed several mirrors and reflective surfaces on his way to the restaurant and he found himself VERY attractive.

"I don't have any money though, Eric, you took it all" Butters whined to him.

"I KNOW, Butters" He took it for a reason, Butters is less likely to wander without any money. "I'll pay."

"oh, that's nice of you, Eric"

"Just don't pig out!"

They sat down on a table for two.

"What are you going to order?" Butters asked him happily.

Cartman looked at his menu, everything seemed good with an exception of a few soups so he might as well have everything.

An infuriatingly happy waitress skipped over to their table. "hi! Are you two ready to order?"

"I dunno.." Muttered Butters frowning at his menu.

"Yes, yes we are!" Cartman cut in. "I'll have the steak...and the shrimp...and the gourmet burger. yea..."

The waitress blinked "is that... all?" She asked hesitantly.

"He'll have some bread sticks" Cartman continued gesturing at Butters.

"but I.." Butters tried to interject.

"Like you'll eat more than that!" Cartman snapped.

The waitress smiled at them nervously, she knew it was stereotypical thought but she couldn't help but worry that the fat demanding woman was planning to eat her skinny suitor in due time. She tried to banish the thought and be nice "so you two having a nice date?"

they both stared at her, eyes wide, then at each other. The blond boy's eyes trailed a little lower...  
Cartman slammed his menu down on the table "Dammit, woman! Go get our orders already!"

The waitress scurried away, terrified.

Butters pouted at Cartman. "You don't have to be so mean all the time, Eric"

"yea I do"

"nuh-uh"

"uh-huh" Cartman leaned closer "Listen, you're a nice guy, Butters..."

"aw, gee thanks!"

"I'm not complimenting you. You suck. You're a nice guy so you let people walk all over you. It sicks me out just watching you."

"oh..." Butters looked down at his knees, forlorn, then back up at Cartman "I'm not ALWAYS nice! I can be very evil sometimes"

Cartman lifted an eyebrow quizzically "When? When you wear that aluminum foil hat and run around acting like a dork?"

"No! I don't do that anymore!" He said defensively. Frankly his professor chaos crusades have dumbed down to merely stealing grapes from the supermarket.  
"well, when?"

Butters knocked his knuckles together nervously like he couldn't bring himself to utter his horrible crime. "Sometimes..." He stopped glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "Sometimes I TAP DANCE!"

Silence.

"W-Without my shoes on, of course." Butters quickly reassured him.

Cartman tried to hold back his laughter the thought of Butters tap dancing silently was hilarious "That's it? That's evil?"

Butters glared at him with a look so serious Cartman couldn't hold back anymore.

"hahahahahahah!"

"It's serious, Eric! People could get KILLED!"

"hahhahaha so?"

"Well you don't just let people get killed, Eri-" He stopped realizing who he's talking to. "You know... If you were nicer from the start we wouldn't be hiding here..."

Cartman narrowed his eyes "What are you saying, Butters?"

"Well if you didn't ...do that to Scott you wouldn't have to be so scared of him"

"Scared? Scared! I'm not scared! If that rat bastard shows his face around here I'd sock him one in a second!...'Cept... He's a wily one, that Scott..." Cartman trailed off. Then his attention and wrath turned back to Butters. "I'd rather deal with Scott than be anything like you!"

"T-then why do you like me?" Asked Butters biting his lip.

More silence. awkward heavy suffocating silence.

Cartman's mind raced, something to like about Butters, could he like his simpering looks? His almost blinding stupidity? His lanky body? God! there was nothing TO like about Butters but he had to think of something or Butters will realize something!

"ummmm. I gotta go to the bathroom" Announced Cartman getting up.

"Oh! okay."

And with that he made his escape.

Hopefully by the time he comes back Butters little mind would have forgotten the whole thing. He sighed. He was exhausted ever since he'd been banished everyday has just been one thing after the other. He missed sleeping in a bed. At least back home he'd have been in control of the situation.  
He wandered through the museums corridors. Art didn't interest him at all. Paintings were only worth a glance if someone was getting killed in them.

He paused in front of a painting of two angry women chopping off a man's head. The look of complete and utter shock on the man's face SHOULD'VE made him laugh but...

God, that lady with the sword looks just as hell bent as Scott is. That's life, isn't it? One minute your sitting down for a complementary shave from your wife and the next your squirting blood all over the mattress.

Cartman rubbed his neck. He couldn't help but feel a shadow of the sensation of a cold knife ripping through his flesh.

You should have been nicer, he says. You don't just let people get killed, he says. Damn that Butters! Like he knew anything.

Cartman put some distance between him and the painting. Maybe he should head back as much as he hated Butters' guts right now he'd feel a lot safer next to him than here, alone, exposed, standing in front of a painting that seemed to be predicting his death.

He was walking back toward the restaurant, walking as fast as he could without looking like he was running when something snagged the back of his dress, no, it was someone, someone with warm sweaty hands was grabbing hold of his dress's neckline from behind.

He barely had time be startled when he was pulled into a room and thrown to the ground hitting his head on the floor.

"Rape!" He gasped as loudly as he could but the wind had been knocked out of him and stars were flashing before his eyes.

"In your sick little dreams..." It was Scott!

Cartman tried to pull himself up but couldn't. his head was swimming and he had to resist the urge to throw up.

"I wouldn't move too fast if i were you" Scott hissed "You probably have a concussion"

You know Scott's voice wasn't always this fucking scary. Once upon a time he sounded like a normal teenager. Cartman had a theory that Scott spent all the time between their first meeting and the second gargling acid just to scare him.

"Fuck off, you asshole!" He moaned rubbing the back of his head.

Scott crouched over him, smiling. Without much warning he grabbed a handful of Cartman's hair and slammed his head back onto the tiled floor.

"Look at you.." He cupped one of Cartman's chins in his hand. "You look just like your mother... A TOTAL SLUT!" and with that he punched Cartman in the gut. Cartman yelped. He tried to struggle out of Scotts grip but his arms were like iron bars, he dug his nails into the hand that was tangled in his hair but didn't seem to have any effect.

"Let go! Let go!"

Scott leaned over his Half brother "THIS time you're dead, Eric!" He whispered in his ear.

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Butter fidgeted uncomfortably. he couldn't wait for Eric to come back and answer his question.  
Boy, he sure has been gone for quite awhile. The food was already here, he'd eaten his bread sticks and was watching Eric's meals cool.

Butters started to worry. How long did it take a woman to go to the bathroom anyway?

Wait, what?

Maybe he should go check on him. Was it okay to just leave without paying? he was PLANNING to comeback... maybe he should pay the check.

Eric's purse was still here, it was the only reassurance that he was going to return.

He picked it up, maybe he could pay real quick and go look for Eric, who knew he might be in trouble.

While he was rifling through the purse his hand touched something cold and hard. He jumped.

It was a gun!

He quickly closed the purse and looked around, startled. Did anyone else see? well they couldn't have, could they? He tried to calm himself down.

Of course Eric had a gun. Frankly Butters should be glad that's all that's in there. Ever since they were nine Eric had the uncanny ability to procure arms.

He opened the purse again, tentatively, like he was expecting the gun to jump out at him, and grabbed Eric's wallet. He was greeted with pictures of Eric's cat, Mr. Kitty. He stared at them. There was a picture of a younger Eric and his mom. Aw he sure looked cute, in a morbidly obese way. There weren't any pictures of him in there.

Butters snapped out of his reverie.

He waved a waitress over "E-excuse me! Check please!"

She looked at the empty seat across from him and the uneaten meals. "Aw, you're date ditched you, huh?"

"um..ah..m-maybe..."

"I'm sure you can do better than her" She said, trying to cheer him up "She was mean!... And fat."

"Th- Thank you." Muttered Butters paying the check and getting up. His mind kept going back to the gun nestled innocently inside Eric's purse. it made him uneasy "good bye!" He said over his shoulder as he left.

He searched the corridors for his lost boyfriend, currently girlfriend, holding the purse with a gun in it..well, like a purse with a gun in it. There was an unmistakable air of guilt hovering over him.  
Thankfully there weren't many people about.  
he was in a lonely hallway when he stepped in a wad of hair. Eric's wig!

He looked around there was only one door in this hallway.

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Scott pulled out a Knife. Up until now it had only been fists.

"You know the BEST thing about this is I'm probably doing the world a favor. Don't you think so, Eric?"

Cartman didn't reply. oh, he wanted to, he just couldn't he couldn't even move. He wasn't even that hurt but his body refused to respond. All he could do was watch the knife hovering inches away from him and wait for death.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

The noise made him jump out of his skin snapping him out of his stupor. It scared Scott too who dropped his knife.

"Eric? Are you in there?"

Cartman had never been so glad to hear Butters voice.

"BUTTERS! Thank god! It's Scott he's-"

Scott lunged at him putting a hand over his mouth.

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Butters stepped back from the door. Scott! oh no! The door was locked and there wasn't anyone around to help what should he do?

His thoughts went back to the gun.

He could use it to shoot the lock off the door. but, it'd be dangerous and..and..

At this very moment Eric was probably being killed.  
He pulled out the gun. Determined he aimed at the lock.

POW!

He was light so the force threw him backwards and into the wall behind him. But at least the door opened he ran in holding the gun in front of him.

Scott had been choking Cartman up until he noticed the gun.

"S-shoot him, Butters!" Croaked Eric "Shoot him to kingdom come!"

Butters aimed the gun at Scott automatically, somehow Eric's commands tended to bypass his brain. He stopped just short of pulling the trigger.  
What was Eric thinking? He couldn't just shoot someone even if it was Scott and Scott was pure evil, according to Eric.

Scott stared at him, his expression unreadable.

"come on, shoot him!" Hissed Eric inching away from his half brother. "It's him or us!"  
Butters knew the only thing that was keeping Scott from attacking was the gun aimed at him, but he couldn't bring himself to shoot him.

His heart was pounding into his ribcage so hard he thought it might shatter. His palms were so sweaty he was sure the gun would just slip out of his grasp like a bar of soap if this went on, And Scott was eying him like a snake eyes a mouse.

Then Scott smiled, it was a slow deliberate smile that sent shivers down Butters' spine just wondering what he was smiling about.

By now Eric had crawled his way from where Scott was standing to Butters' feet, he glared up at Butters. "Give me the gun, Butters! you obviously don't know how to use it!"

Before Eric could snatch the gun away from Butters the alarm sounded. Someone must've heard the gunshot.

"Shit!" Cartman swore "Run!" He barked taking to his heels.

Now THAT Butters could do. He shoved the gun back into the purse and ran as fast as he could after Eric.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Kyle was bored. He didn't know why but he felt purposeless, like he had no meaning in the world anymore. He sighed he couldn't deny it anymore...

He needed a new video game.

He was standing in front of the game shop. Window shopping with Stan and Ike, Kenny was dead, he had apparently died of boredom, and Craig and his gang, well ...

"Craig and his pals suck, huh?" snorted Stan.

They really couldn't stand those guys for long, every single plea to do something interesting had been met with a cold, nasally "no."

"yea, Dude" kyle agreed. "Sucked hard."

He pointed at a Wii game. "That one! That's the one I want!"

Stan squinted at the price. "You sure, Dude? It's kinda pricey..."

"Yea, I NEED something to do or I'll end up like Kenny."

"But do actually have that much money?"

Kyle bit his lip "Well, no..." He glanced at Ike, his little brother, who by now was twelve years old and as annoying as heck. He'd have money on him, Ike saved money like was expecting another ressesion.

"Hey, Ike, can I borrow some money from you? you got tons"

Ike glared at him with his little beady eyes "nuh uh!"

"Aw, Dude come on!"

"No fucking way, Kyle!"

"your being a cheapskate, Ike!"

"Getchur own money!"

Kyle gritted his teeth together "Aw come on, Ike! DON'T BE SUCH A JEW!"

He stopped. The world stopped. Slowly Kyle's hands came up to cover his mouth.

"Dude..." Said Stan, reproachfully.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Luckily, no one stopped them on the way out. mostly because Cartman had been screaming "there's a man with a gun in there!" to throw people off.

He climbed onto their motorbike. He really, really wanted to be the one driving cause sitting in the back was gay, but Butters squeezed himself between Cartman and the steering handles and started the engine.

He could've argued but he just wanted to get out of this place so he buried his head in Butters' skinny back and held on tight.

It..felt good actually. After nearly dying Butters felt so REAL.

They drove for awhile and stopped near the creek, exhausted.

"We should hide..." muttered Cartman, bleary eyed, getting off the bike.

"O-okay." Butters put one hand around Cartman, his other hand was leading the motorbike. "We can hide under that bridge."

"What if I get gang raped by hobos?" Carman held the ridiculous misconception that everybody wanted to have their way with him. He sighed he was too tired to walk any further. "Fine! Whatever!"

Butters dragged his motorbike under the bridge and sat down on the grass. Cartman sat down next to him pulling down his dress to try and stay decent.

He glanced at Butters trying to avoid eye contact.

Butter was fidgeting with the purse. It seemed that Butters was always fidgeting with something or other.

"Are you okay?" Butters asked. "Your all beat up..."

Cartman glared at Butters.

"I think I have a bandage somewhere here" Butter patted his pockets, but without any luck. Butters sighed, he felt useless. He slid his hands into his back pockets "Y-you still look awfully pretty though, if it helps..."

Cartman said nothing but his glare softened. He looked down at his exposed knees. "I couldn't move..."

"W-What?"

Cartman brought his knees up to his chin and buried his face in his arms. "I couldn't move. I froze up..."

Butters put a hand on Cartman's shoulder. Cartman brushed it away.

"He's going to kill me, Butters! He's got ginger minions everywhere...and..and a jet pack! I'm just one handsome guy going up against all that all by myself!"

Butters sat across from him, put both his hands on Cartman's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "You got me, Eric!"

"What good are you?" Cartman snapped at him.

Butters was taken aback, it was true, he wasn't of much use. He couldn't kill Scott Tenorman and had probably been a bother this whole trip.

"I-I'll do my best." He muttered sadly, knowing it wouldn't be of much use. He hugged Cartman. "I- Remember, Eric, when I said love will find a way? Well..." He planted a kiss on Cartman's forehead. "I love you, Eric!"

"Fuck, Butters..." Muttered Cartman as paralyzed as he was under Scott's gaze. He was pretty sure the kiss was burning him ever so slightly, like acid.

"So it's going to be okay" Butters chirped running his fingers through Cartman's hair. He smiled at Cartman softly. "I'm sure you can beat Scott, Eric, cause...you're really smart and cool!"

Cartman KNEW without a doubt that he was cool but this was the first time he's heard anyone else say it. At this point he felt a strange heavy welling feeling in his heart which he dismissed as a result of being to hungry.

"Get out of my face, Butters!" He snorted pushing Butters away "Your breath smells like bread sticks..."

"Sorry."

Cartman grabbed his purse and pulled out his gun, for a second Butters thought Cartman was going to shoot him for smelling like bread sticks, but instead he handed the gun to Butters.

"I know you don't know how to fucking use this but I need to close my eyes a bit."

Butters held the gun gingerly. He couldn't shoot Scott before but if he had to pick between not killing Scott and letting Eric die...

"Next time I see Scott, Eric, I'll shoot him for sure, gosh darn it!"

Cartman chuckled dryly leaning back into the grass. "you'd better." 


	5. Goodbye Jeremy, hello heartbreak

The FIRST thing Butters did wrong today was fall asleep. He was SUPPOSED to have stayed up all night keeping watch but couldn't. He drifted off as the sun came up and woke to find Eric furious at him, he huffed and puffed and cussed in language so colorful you'd have thought he'd been raised by pirates.

Then he proceeded to kick Butters' new motorbike into the creek.

"ERIC! Eric, stop!" Butters scurried to the edge of the water and grabbed his bike's handlebars pulling it away from the water before it got wetter.

"leave Jeremy out of this..." He muttered looking down at his feet and pouting.

"JEREMY!"

"He looks like a Jeremy" Explained Butters turning the handlebars so the motorbike faced Eric.

"YOU NAMED YOUR BIKE?"

"well, I was up most of last night so I got to thinkin.."

"FUCK YOU!"

Butters looked up at his 'boyfriend'. Eric's bruises had darkened, his make up was smeared and his hair was bristled with rage. "I'm sorry, Eric, I didn't mean to fall asleep..."

"you didn't MEAN TO! oh gosh, gee wizz, that would sure have made it okay if I'd woken up DEAD today!"

Don't be silly, Eric, you can't wake up if you're dead, Thought Butters but he didn't dare say anything out loud.

"You're lucky I'm starving" Barked Eric. "..Or I woulda fucked you up!" With a snort Eric turned away from him, then he looked down at himself and cursed under his breath.

"Buuttterrrss!" He whined. "I need clothes! I look like a goddamn WHORE!"

"Calm down, Eric, I-I'll run down to the store..." He started walking out from under the bridge, dragging his bike with him.

"wait Butters!" Eric called to him eying the dark corners under the bridge.

"I'm coming with you. You've got terrible fashion sense."

Butters looked down at himself. True, he gravitated toward gray drab colors most of the time, but he wouldn't say it was terrible.

He put an arm around Eric to lead him to the sidewalk which Eric quickly shrugged off.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Later, inside a store's changing room Cartman looked at himself in the mirror.

God.

He looked like a prostitute who had a disagreement with her pimp. His whole body ached. He unzipped the dress and unfastened the corset. Finally, he could breath again!

He sighed, his day wasn't of to a good start. He had woken up that morning with his forehead pressed up against Butters, who smelled faintly of mayonnaise, and nearly had a heart attack. at least that's what it must've been his heart bucked in his chest and he couldn't help but remember all the times Kyle told him that his over eating would lead to a calorie induced heart attack.

Though it hadn't been as bad as heart attacks seemed in the movies, it was more of a little jump...well, you live and learn.

A man once more, he started transferring his belongings from his purse to his pockets.

Gun, he NEEDED this so he stowed it away safely in his jacket. Wallet, ALSO very important, it had his credit cards and enough money in cash to last him several days. Chocolate bar, slightly melted. well, there was no point keeping it when he was hungry now, so he ate it.

He left the dress and the purse in the changing room, he didn't need them anymore. Not when Scott could see right through them.

Inside the store Butters had apparently gravitated to the ugliest shirt they had and was now eying it hungrily.

Now Cartman wasn't gay but he knew fashion. You dressed to impress. You dressed to get noticed. You dressed like your favorite TV show host if it fit the situation but you DIDN'T dress like Butters.

It wasn't that he dressed THAT horribly, even that would've been preferable to how he usually dressed, Butters dressed in a conscious effort NOT to get noticed, He was the last person you saw in a group. Kyle was the first, What with his haltingly green hat and all. Oh Kyle, your face always said no but your hat said go go go! Cartman thought wistfully, he was actually starting to miss the Jew...

He grabbed Butters' shoulder and swerved him around, away from the ugly shirt. "We're LEAVING, Butters!"

"oh Eric!" Butters smiled at him. "You look nice!"

Cartman boggled his eyes at him. Well, OF COURSE he looked nice! In fact, he looked great, ALL THE TIME!

But something was wrong. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something was definitely wrong with him today. Butters' soft glances were cutting into him like a knife.

Self-conscious he straightened his collar. "Well, duh!" He snorted. "Let's just pay and get out of here!"

Outside the store he realized, with a dreadful sinking feeling, what else was wrong.

He forgot Clyde-Frog! With a short scream he ran back to the changing room, where an employee was standing holding his purse and looking confused as hell. "Did..you forget this, ...Sir?"

"Screw that!" Cartman snatched the purse and practically tore it open. From inside the purse Clyde-Frog stared at him accusingly, he had been stuffed so deep inside the purse that Cartman hadn't even seen him when he was getting his wallet.

He stuffed Clyde-Frog into his pocket and threw the purse back at the lowly employee.

Back outside the store Butters was waiting for him. "Did you forget something, Eric?"

"No!" Cartman snapped storming past him.

Yes, he was definitely off his game today. Not good, considering there was a lunatic after him, he had to stay sharp, focused. He'd never forgotten about Clyde-Frog before. The little stuffed animal was his only trustworthy friend.

He glared at Butters, who was walking alongside him dragging his stupid bike, he couldn't help but feel like this was all Butters' fault.

"Ditch the bike, Butters."

Butters turned around to face him eyes wide open, mouth agape wearing the same shocked expression as a bowling ball. "W-What?"

"I said, Ditch the stupid bike, Butters! We don't need it anymore."

"But..but.." Butters' eye darted around looking for an excuse to keep his beloved bike. "H-How will we get around?"

"We'll WALK!" He'd rather walk than have to sit in the bitch-seat behind Butters, again.

"I dunno, Eric, I really like my Jeremy"

Cartman, on the other hand was really starting to hate Butter's Jeremy, the name didn't suit it anyways.

"Hey, Butters..." He said in a soft understanding tone. "Can I see 'Jeremy' for a bit?"

Butters looked suspicious for a second but gave in and handed the bike over.

"Will you look at that..." Said Cartman, he smiled at Butters "He really DOES look like a Jeremy."

Then without even changing his expression he pushed Jeremy into the street in front of raging traffic.

"JEREMY!" Screamed Butters, Cartman put a hand on his shoulder to stop him jumping in after the bike.

"You should run." He suggested with a smirk as cars crashed into poor Jeremy and the street was thrown into chaos. and then he proceeded to run away himself.

With one last worried glance at the destruction Eric caused Butters ran to catch up with Cartman, who could run pretty fast when he needed to.

0-0-0-0-o-o-o-0-0-0-0-0-0

A few blocks away they stopped to catch their breaths, Eric was laughing.

Butters pouted. He was laughing... at him, he realized.

"T-That wasn't very nice, Eric." He stuttered firmly.

Eric chuckled. "Whatever."

"I really liked that bike."

"I..don't really give a crap." He told Butters bluntly, not particularly glad with the fact, but not upset either. It was just a fact. You might as well cry because the sky was blue. He sighed and started walking away.

"Where are you going?" Butters asked, panicking slightly.

"We need to find a place to stay..." Muttered Eric sounding distracted. He felt a bit better after getting rid of the stupid bike but..something was still off.

Butters followed Eric dutifully, glaring at the back of his head.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"If you r-really liked me, you-you WOULD give a crap..." Butters said later.

Later, after Cartman had rented a motel room. After he had followed him like a shadow for most of the day., without so much as a peep letting the indignant rage build up inside of him.

He had been so quiet that Cartman nearly forgot he existed, nearly.

He turned around now, angry. "What? This again?"

Butters stared at him for along time before answering like he already regretted speaking out, but he pressed on anyway. "You're always mean to me, Eric."

"Get over yourself, Butters, it was just a stupid bike!"

"You don't care about me!" huffed Butters, he looked down at his shoes, he'd looked down at his shoes so many times in his life that he could probably draw them from memory. "Maybe...I should go home..."

Shit, Thought Cartman.

"What? But Butters what about..." He paused. "our l-love?" The word felt heavy now not like before.

A look of deep sadness crossed Butters' face "I DO love ya, Eric."

Yes, YOU love me.

"But.."

But...?

"I'm so mad at you!" Butters stomped a foot down hard "I'm going home!"

"HA!" Snorted Cartman. "ha ha ha!" He continued. "HA!" He added for good measure.  
"You can't LEAVE! You don't have any money! How will you get home? Your parents don't even want you back!"

Butters glared at him, hurt. "I don't care!" And started walking towards the door.

The enormity of the situation struck Cartman, Butters was leaving, leaving him here to fend for himself.

"wait!" He grabbed Butters hand before he could reach the door and pulled him close. He let his hands trail up butters' skinny bony arms stopping when he reached his shoulders. He tried to think of something to say, something designed, no, CALCULATED to keep Butters here. It shouldn't be hard he's STUPID he'd fall for anything! But looking at Butters, who's face was scrunched up in an impudent pout, his mind went blank.

Due to the panic and the fog enclosing his mind. A husky "You're not going anywhere!" Was all he could manage.

Butters eyes widened.

Great. Way to scare the shit out of Butters, Eric.

Butters flinched away from him but he held on tight.

"I mean.." He tried again. "er.." ER..? FUCK THIS!

He was angry, frustrated, and sweating bullets, Butters was trying to squirm out of his grip, AND it was at this point that it seemed like a like a good idea to kiss his hapless victim.

Butters stopped struggling as soon Cartman's lips touched his. It wasn't like the last time they tried to kiss, it was actually good.

Cartman let his mind take the backseat. Kissing was so much easier when you didn't have to think about how gay it is to have your tongue inside some other guy's mouth. He wrapped his arms around Butters' small frame deepening the kiss.

o-o-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

He was in shock at first, but as the kiss went on he started to enjoy it.

It was an experience filled pleasant surprises.

One, he realized that although everything, personality wise, about Cartman was cold and hard, his body was soft and warm and it engulfed him in it's excess.  
Surprisingly, he felt safe, like he was wrapped with love, even though the risk of being smothered to death hung heavy in the air.

Two, he was surprisingly gentle.

Butters felt stupid now, as he tangled his fingers into Eric's silky hair while his other hand tried to reach as far as it could around his lovers girth, that he ever doubted Eric's love for him.

Eric loved him. He could taste it in his kiss, feel it in the air.

"oh God, I love you..."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Wait... Was that him? That little whimper of a confession? No it couldn't have been...could it? It was definitely not Butters.

He pushed Butters away, terrified.

Butters smiled dreamily at him.

Wrong. this is wrong. He was having another heart attack. He could hear his heart beat in his ears. Butters said something but Cartman couldn't hear it.

Slowly, tenderly even, he pushed Butters out of the motel room and locked the door.

It took a few seconds for Butters to realize he'd been locked out "Eric?"

0-0-0-0-0-0-00-0-0-0-0-0

It was time for confrontation, Kyle and Stan decided, it's obviously gone too far.

They stood on the sidewalk forming a blockade, so when Clyde finally ran into them he had to stop.

"Clyde, we need to talk!" Exclaimed Kyle.

Clyde stared at them, he was sporting a new hat and carrying a plate of frosted cookies he had been munching away on without a care in the world till Stan and Kyle stopped him. He really had no idea what this was about.

"Why?" He asked.

They shared a glance. "Okay, first off.." Started Kyle pulling Clyde's new hat off and waving it in front his face. "What...is this?"

"My new hat?"

"Where'd you get it?"

There was a pause. "...My new girlfriend?"

"What new girlfriend!"

Clyde looked confused. "I don't understand why you're so mad." He stated.

"BECAUSE I COULDA SWORN I'VE SEEN THIS BLUE HAT WITH A YELLOW TRIM BEFORE, CLYDE!" Screeched Kyle, traces of panic in his voice. Stan put a comforting hand on his shoulder to calm him down then he smiled at Clyde.

"Dude, dude, we just need to talk to you. Calm down." He told him even though it was Kyle who was shaking with rage.

"I am calm." He replied.

Stan took of his own hat and ran a hand through his hair before putting it back on. "So, Dude, what's up? You've been eating non-stop since yesterday."

"My girlfriend likes to bake for me."

"Cause seriously, Clyde, we weren't making fun of you cause you've slimmed down since we were kids and you're just..pleasantly plump right now but if you keep eating like this, we're going to have to call you fat."

"I'm not fat" Clyde protested.

Kyle bunched up the hat between his fists "Who's your girlfriend, Clyde?" He asked through gritted teeth.

Clyde nearly didn't answer him and with good cause Kyle sounded like he was about to hunt down and kill his new girlfriend. "Well, she's... Mrs. Cartman."

"I knew it!" Roared Kyle. Clyde took a step back for a small man Kyle was as scary as hell right now.

Stan pinched his temple, the universal sign that he was annoyed right now.

"She's not your girlfriend, Clyde!" Kyle continued. "She's just been mothering CARTMAN.." He spat out the name. "for so long that now she's just replaced him with you instead of having to deal with him being gone. Your just a psudo-Cartman to her."

"I am not!" Whined Clyde. "She's seriously my girlfriend, guys!"

"Oh yea?" Said Stan. "Have you slept with her, yet?"

"uummmmm...no." Clyde started to look uncomfortable then he glared at them. "Don't you guys have anything better to do than judge me?"

They looked at each other. Cartman was gone, Kenny was still dead, the time it took him to come back always varied without any explanation. Usually they didn't notice him leave or come back but bored out of their skulls as they were they ended up knocking over Kenny's gravestone in hopes that it'd speed up his recovery.

"Not..really." they both admitted at the same time.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

At some point Butters stopped knocking, which was a relief for Cartman. LAST thing he wanted was to deal with Butters right now.

Or the sweaty palms, heart attacks and whimpering that came with him.

He wasn't an idiot though, he was well aware what this was.

He was in love, with Butters. The irony stung like pepper spray IN THE EYES.

There was a part of him that wallowed in self pity and usually only came out at night. Self pity because life was against him. God hated him and every cool thing he's ever done was twisted around and thrown in his face.

Like, for example, trick a guy, a loathsome egotistical guy who NEEDED to be taken down a peg, into eating his own parents. COOL. he'd been patting himself on the back for that for weeks! People feared him and respected his ingenuity.

A few months later he finds out the guy was his , now bat-shit insane, HALF-BROTHER, and he'd pretty much done away with his own father. Turning his one crowning moment of glory into nightmare fuel. TWISTED and flung right back in his face.

And now he fools the incredibly gullible Butters into thinking their a couple, A simple plan that took amazing amounts of charm on his part, and it BACKFIRES!

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK!

Why? What has he done to deserve this? He'd only lived his life as best he could, using the skills God gave him to make sure he came out on top and what does he get?

Love.

I mean, Goddamn! He didn't want this. Frankly Love never figured in his plans for the future, except, maybe, in the shape of a trophy wife everyone would envy not BUTTERS.

The man, and barely that, wasn't attractive, had no redeeming personality traits. In fact he barely had a personality. Butters had always been in the background of Cartman's life. He was there, useful when you needed a patsy, an amazingly good listener on those rare, rare, RARE times Cartman needed someone to talk too, but did that make him special? No, he wasn't even worthy. Cartman was waayy above him on the social now that SPECK of a human being had the power to bring Cartman to his knees.

That feeling, when he was holding Butters, small, fragile yet firm butters, in his arms, he never wanted to feel that way again!

A feeling like that could easily turn a strong independent man into simpering little bitch. No, SOMETHING had to be done.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

He ended up having to sleep there, in the hallway outside the motel room. He didn't mind much though, he was on cloud nine.

All these years he been handed the short stick in life and now... and now, well, it had been the most romantic moment he'd ever experienced. He was drowning in the magnitude of it all.

And it WAS big, he had always heard Kyle theorizing about how Cartman, being sociopath, didn't have a soul and therefore the power to love was lost on him.

Butters knew better now, because Eric loved him. His parent's hated him, he had no money, no skills, no skills at least that wouldn't get people killed, nothing but the apparently highly unfashionable clothes on his back BUT Eric loved him.

And that's why everything's going to be alright.

He fell asleep leaning on the door and woke up when it opened causing him to fall in and hit his head on the floor.

He looked up at his lovers crotch. "O-oh heya Eric?"

Eric glared at him. "Butters, I'm going to have to ask you to fuck off."

Butters rubbed his head, the shock to his head might be making him hear wrong. "W-what? W-why?"

"Honestly..." Eric stopped mulling over what he was going to say. Honesty was something foreign to him. He wasn't sure what how he was going to go about it. But the truth was the only way to get rid of Butters right now "Honestly, I've had enough of you."

Butters sat up and looked at him eyes wide, still unable to comprehend what's going on.

"I mean, I only brought you here to carry my stuff and I don't even have any stuff anymore."

"What?"

Eric sighed, it was so hard explaining things to the little twit. "I TRICKED YOU, BUTTERS!" He yelled shaking Butters shoulders. "I don't love you! I don't even like you!"

Butters didn't reply, he just stared, mouth slightly agape.

"And now, you've got no money. You can't shoot for shit. I don't need you. Heck, I'm having to pay for you right now, you're like a leech! Except leeches are cooler than you."

"I-I don't u-understand, Eric" Stuttered Butters, all this trip he'd suspected that Cartman might be lying to him and now couldn't believe it was true. Yesterday's kiss had proven otherwise. Yesterday's kiss had been everything. And now Eric was telling him it had all been a lie?

"Of course you don't understand you're a Goddamn retard!" Huffed Eric, words that Butters would usually let slide were cutting into him like a knife.

Tears started to well up in his eyes.

"But Eric.." He whined softly putting a hand on Eric's cheek. "W-what about when we kissed?"

Cartman stared at him with a look of absolute terror for a second before slapping his hand away. "I'm going to say it again, Butters,..Fuck off." He said calmly then slammed the door in Butters face.

He stared at the door, blinking back tears. He could feel his heart breaking there was a sharp pain in his chest. Denial ravaged his brain, all he could think about was how this couldn't be happening even though it SHOULD have been expected. It was ERIC CARTMAN after all, a man who lived for nothing but his own gain and amusement.  
A man as soulless as a demon.

Butters kicked the door, hard, it stood between him and the lover he now despised and it was going to get the brunt of his rage. "You're MEAN. Eric!" He yelled and kicked the door again. "You're mean and I HATE you!"

He repeated the words again and again while kicking the door insistently "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Inside the room, Cartman sat on the bed and stared at the door as it reverberated with force of Butters scorn. No expression crossed his face, no guilt, no remorse, he just stared, intently, waiting. As soon as Butters was gone he'll be able to concentrate on not dying, no distractions, no weaknesses.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Kyle was right about you, Eric! You ARE a monster!" And with one last kick, Butters left.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-00-

Scott walked down the sidewalk brushing a hand through his hair, it was the closest thing to comb he had.

He was, kinda, annoyed. He lost track of Eric after the museum, he ended up being questioned by the police. It sucked.

He had all his Gingers on the look out but no-ones seen him yet. How can something so FAT just disappear.

He was so busy pondering his dilemma that he nearly didn't notice the sobbing blond stagger past him.

Was that...?

He turned around. Yes, yes it is. Eric's little friend. He smiled, with Eric's little bitch here Eric himself couldn't be far.

Should he follow him? The thing was crying...

It eventually gave up on walking and sat down on the curb to concentrate on it sadness.

Heh, well what do you expect when you side with a heartless beast like Eric? This was good though, he was probably crying because of something Eric did to him. NOW, they had something in common.

He walked up to the guy, smiling faintly. "Hey."

The blond looked up at him and jumped back. "Scott!"

Scott tried to act like he wasn't aware of how scared the little guy was, like he just a concerned friend. "What's the matter? Why are you crying?"

The blond stared up at him, his face was streaked with tears. He seemed unable to decide whether he should run away from Scott or cry on his shoulder.

Because that's just how Scott looked right now like the kinda guy who was always there with a shoulder to cry on.

He didn't resist as the Ginger helped him to his feet.

Scott smiled at him "Don't worry." He said, patting him on the shoulder. "I'll take care of you." 


	6. Stupidity, I sense it

(Sorry about the crappy Kyle scenes... )

0-0-0-0-0-

Ever since they met Eric's been lying to him. He lied to get his way. He lied for his own amusement. He lied, sometimes, for no reason what so ever, out of habit maybe...

And Butters fell for it every time. He'd end up grounded and beaten and he'd STILL fall for it. Maybe it was the way Eric spoke, with conviction. He'd always been in awe of how, even as a child, Eric was so sure of himself. Or maybe he'd just have to face the cold hard fact that he was STUPID.

Stupid to leave South Park, to follow Eric here. Now he had no home, no money, no family, no sadistic friend to love wholeheartedly just his tears, and Scott to comfort him.

Who, for someone who had tracked half the country side trying to kill his own brother, was the picture of understanding. After finding Butters crying on the sidewalk he'd taken him to a nearby park, sat him down on a bench and bought him a drink.

Butters sobbed into his hands. "He said he liked me!" He moaned, lifting his head up momentarily. "But he doesn't like me he's murrph meh.." The rest of the sentence was muffled by his hands.

"Yea, yea. He's a jerk." Scott told him for maybe the fifth time. Frankly, Scott was getting tired of Butters' whining he felt like he'd be sitting here, mildly patting the pathetic creature on the back, for hours.

"But why?" Butters asked hopelessly "Why would he do that?"

Why? it was a good question really. Why did Cartman do ANYTHING? Why did he lie, cheat, steal and lead people to their deaths. Why did he take such pleasure in breaking people down? Scott didn't really care what the answer was, or if there even WAS an answer. It didn't matter, all that really mattered was that Eric Cartman had to die for his own sins.

"I dunno..." He admitted. "He's evil." He added with a cold grin, stating it like a fact.

Butters looked up at him, shocked. "Evil?" up until now he'd agreed with every reassuring mumble Scott gave him. Cartman WAS a jerk, but evil..? "N-no -no.." He stammered. "H-he's just..." he pressed the tips of his fingers to his forehead, hoping his cold hands would numb the headache crying for hours gave him. "He's just.." He repeated, racking his weary brain for an answer. "..Troubled.." He continued lamely.

Scott threw back his head and laughed. "Troubled? Hahaha! You don't really believe that do you?"

"But -but.." Butters eyes filled with tears again. "He KISSED me!" He wailed. "He didn't FEEL evil or nuthin! An-and I kissed him back!" Surely if someone was evil you'd feel it. He took a deep ragged breath and added, in a tone of pure awe and reverence. "There was SO much of him."

Scott's stomach turned, He swallowed his disgust and grabbed Butters' collar and shook him. "It was a trick! He LIED to you, Kid! He doesn't deserve you defending him. What are you going to do? go back to him?"

"I can't go back! He TOLD me to leave!"

And which one of them, exactly, was the escaped mental patient? Wondered Scott.

He sighed. "He's -It's EVIL." He repeated cupping Butter's chin in one hand and tilting the boys head up to look at him. "He deserves to DIE!"

Butters flinched as a drop of spittle landed under his eye.

Scott took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. "You must've heard about what he did..to me..." He added, he hadn't wanted to bring it up but Butters stupidity was frustrating. He could feel Butters start to tremble under his hand.

"I-I was there.." Right behind Scott the whole time, not quite understanding what was going on. It was one memory out of many he tended to avoid thinking about. He knocked his knuckles together nervously. "I'm sorry for your loss." He muttered.

Scott sighed letting go off him and leaning back on the bench. "you're better off without him."  
Butters shuffled his feet awkwardly but didn't reply. He let the silence between them grow, and grow, and grow until it became a void he had to fill. "I told him he was a monster... " He looked down at his feet again, he was getting sick of the sight of his own shoes. "I dunno maybe -maybe the world WOULD be a better place without him... but it's not up to me to make decisions like that."  
"Yea, it's up to me." Scott told him. "where is he?"

"Well, I don't know. He's probably still back at hote-" Butters stopped himself. He stared at Scott with same amount of shock and disgust he would've if he had been growing an extra head. Then he wailed "You're tryin' to trick me! you're ain't talkin to me cause I'm sad you just wanna get Eric!" Butters pouted, it was serious pout, so serious you could've cracked rocks on it.

He, also, folded his arms. Scott was in trouble now..

But despite the show of stern disapproval Scott was grinning. It was too late. Butters had already told him were Cartman was, he had even glanced at the building, gestured in it's general direction.  
Scott stood up laughing. "I can see why Eric brought you here! You really are dumb!"

"Don't hurt him!" Butters made to get up but found he couldn't. His butt seemed to be stuck to the bench. He tried to get up again with the same result. What the...? Was he... GLUED to the seat?

Scott jovially ruffled Butters' hair. "Thanks, kid. I'll be sure to tell Eric you said hi!" He waved to Butters as he walked away, laughing maniacally the whole way.

Butters tried again to get up, bracing his arms against the bench's back rest and pushing as hard as he could. It was no use his tush was stuck tight. What kind of glue was this?

Scott tricked him! First Eric now Scott! How could he be so stupid? He felt used, pathetic but, strangely, more than anything he felt ..ANGRY.

"GRAAAAAAAHHHH!" He screamed and raged against his proverbial chains, literal glue.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyle sat alone in his room, thinking.

Frankly, he was enraged. for the first time in his life he thought he could enjoy a peaceful Cartmanless town. a town that wasn't fermenting with evil and engorged with stupidity. But noooo! Clyde had to jump up and try to fill the void, not that Cartman leaving would leave any kind of void. not to Kyle.  
t. Already Clyde was acting spoiled and petulant soon, possibly with the help of a painful werewolf transformation, Clyde would be a full-fledged Cartman. Imagine a world with two Cartmans, it'd implode on itself and die.

Kyle leaned back on his chair and stared at the ceiling. how to stop it though? ...

He closed his eyes and let the gears in him mind wirr away

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-00-0-0

Everyone had one of those days, right? Those days where there really didn't seem to be any point in getting up, in doing anything. Those days where you could spent all day lying on your side in front of the television, bored out of your skull. Everyone had them.

Cartman was having one of those days. He really shouldn't be, not with Scott out there probably looking for him right now. He should be packing, he shouldn't stay in one place longer than a second. But his body kept protesting 'not THIS second, the next one' and who was he to argue with his body?

So this is how fate found him, lying on his side, like a beached whale, on the hotel room bed staring glumly at the TV, nothing was on...

Part of him, frustrated and knowing this wasn't like him, kept checking and double checking his needs. Was he hungry? Strangely no. Was he bored? Yes, to death! Should he get up? Not right now...

Even with the television on the room felt quiet, empty. He wondered for a second if Butters had been here would it had felt any different?

Maybe he shouldn't have been so hasty getting rid of him...?

His whole self rejected the thought with a small scream of frustration and he forced himself to get up. He wasn't wrong. He was never wrong and second guessing his actions would only slow him down.

He should leave. He should get out of this place. Thankfully, or unfortunately as the case may be, he didn't have anything to pack so he just walked out of the door and face first into somebody's chest.  
It was a manly chest unlike his own, firm. For a second, he was loathe to step back and figure out who he had just walked into, he had a slight and terrible inkling...

He stepped back. It was Scott, of course. This day just kept getting better and better.

"What? Do you have a tracker on me or something!" he snapped.

Scott chuckled. "Something like that..."

"Well, FUCK OFF!" Cartman stomped a foot. "Can't you just leave me alone? Even for one fucking day? Don't you have a life!"

Scott grabbed his arm and snarled. "I would if you didn't ruin it, you cock-su-"

Cartman wrenched himself from his older brothers grasp nearly falling backwards back into the the room, bracing himself against the door frame, he pushed past Scott and ran.

Scott swore under his breath and took chase.

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A person could contemplate a lot glued to a park bench. Other than the obvious subject of 'how could I end up in such a ridiculous situation?' Not that Butters thought this was ridiculous, it wasn't worse than his life at home, but he sure felt silly.

He was stuck here and somewhere out there Eric was getting killed because of him.  
Then again what could he do? He hadn't been of much help saving Eric from Scott before. He was sure he wouldn't make a difference.

And a small, sick, part of him just wanted to sit here rolled into a ball, hands covering his ears until it was over and Eric was dead and he could go to his funeral and miss him and never have to deal with his tricks and abuse ever again.

It'd be what Scott had been convincing him to do...

What if Eric was evil? What if he just out to hurt everybody for a laugh?

Butters shook his head. No. No. Maybe, but he should'nt die because of it, not at the hands of his own brother. There was something tragic about dying like that.

He had to save him. Not just because, even though he knew it was a lie, his heart still ached for Eric. Because it was right. Because it was his own decision. Not Scott's, not Eric's, and not his parents'.

He gritted his teeth and with all the strength... pulled himself off the bench with a loud rip!

He stood there, for a second, feeling even more ridiculous than when he was sitting down. He covered the gaping hole in the back of his pants with his hands and swore quietly "oh..hamburgers.."

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He didn't want to risk waiting for the elevator so he took the stairs, bad idea even though he'd only been on the third floor he was a wheezing wreck by the time he reached the bottom floor. Only to find that the elevator must've not been such a long wait cause Scott was already there.

"GODDAMMIT!" He swore, gasping for air. He tried to change direction, but couldn't fight inertia he ended up crashing into his half-brother. They both fell in a heap. Scott grabbed Cartman and tried to pin him down. Cartman struggled and, like a greased pig, managed to slide out of his attacker's grasp.

Stumbling, he ran toward the door, out of the hotel. Scott was running for revenge but HE was running for his LIFE. We'll see which one of them had more to run for.

Scott apparently, because they were barely a block away from the hotel when he tripped Cartman up and kicked him into an alleyway.

Scott pulled out a gun and aimed it at him. "Oh come on, Eric, you said you were tired of this... Just stop fighting this and THEN you can rest ALL you want..."

Cartman didn't reply he was to busy trying to catch his breath. Scott pulled him up keeping the gun steadily aimed at him.

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YES, ecstasy was a well formed plan, wasn't it Stan? You couldn't beat the purpose, the drive behind planning someones downfall.

oh, not a NICE thing to but sometimes, sometimes necessary.

It was simple, really, all he had to do was separate Clyde and Mrs. Cartman. by any means possible. He really should think it through some more but right now he couldn't stop laughing...

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Cartman stared numbly at the barrel of the gun aiming at him. He was expecting it to go off at any second but Scott, it seemed, had other plans for him.

Of course, Scott couldn't just kill him here, he needed somewhere out of the way where it'll be ages till someone finds his body.

"Come on!" Scott growled dragging Cartman by his collar.

This is it. He couldn't struggle anymore he was exhausted. Could this be the end of Eric Cartman? What a dark day for the world.

Then he heard a voice, it was grating, it was retarded, it was HEAVENLY.

"Hey! you! Hey you guys! Stop it, stop it right now!" It was BUTTERS. Cartman grinned. Scott shot him a quizzical look.

Butters put his hand on his hips, it was ON now, and glared at, at, well, two very stupid people who needed a good stern talking too.

"If you two don't stop this RIGHT now I'm, well, I'm gonna call the police!"

Scott glared at him, eyes bulging wildly, and Cartman burst into a fit of unhealthy laughter. Both beyond sanity at the moment.

Then Scott lowered his gun, and to Butters it seemed like he'd accomplished everything he'd set out to do. He was quite pleased with himself. That is, up until Scott shot him.

The bullet ripped through his side like a knife through Butters. He fell backward hitting his head on the hard ground. Everything went cyan. Then Black.

And Cartman stopped laughing...

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Ever since he was a young boy Stan had an extreme aversion to stupidity. In fact he could sense the stuff. South park reeked of it but Stan was so sensitive to Stupidity that he could feel it rise, right before the whole town did something ridiculous, and fall, after one of Kyle's 'I learned something today' speeches.

And right now he didn't want to admit it but his usually rational best friend was a concentrated sphere of stupidity.

"Kyle.." He warned but Kyle wasn't listening he was talking.

"..and that's what we're gonna do, Stan. It's what we HAVE to do."

"Kyle..."

"Then Clyde'll know better than to mess with US!"

"KYLE!"

"What?" Kyle snapped, not happy with his train of thought being interrupted.

Stan sighed. "Kyle, don't you think you're being a bit.." He didn't want to say it, he REALLY didn't want to say it. "Not smart."

Kyle gave him a guarded look. "I... spent a really long time working on this plan, Stan."

Stan pressed his thumb and forefinger to his temple. "Well, it's not that it's stupid it's just.. Locking Mrs. Cartman in her own basement so she'll stop feeding Clyde? Isn't that, kinda... Evilish?"

Kyle grinned nervously. "But ... it's going to work!"

"Cartmanish?" Stan added. hitting home.

Kyle's eyes practically popped out of him head. "What? ..n-no!"

"I mean, Clyde's just getting fat but you...You haven't been yourself lately."

"no! no! Shut up! I'm not! Goddammit!" Kyle covered his mouth with his hands, could it be true could he be turning into Cartman, into that monster?

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When Butters finally came to, Cartman was relieved.

NOT because Butters was alive and well, for in Cartman's mind there had been no doubt that things will end up the way he wanted them to. No, because now finally he will have the answer to the infuriating question that's been tormenting him for hours.

"What the fuck happened to your pants, Butters?"

Butters didn't reply, he was blinking blearily flinching against the pain in his side and trying to take in his surroundings. He was tied up inside a van.

"Your pants, Butters, what happened to them?" With Eric. Who was also tied up and propped up next to him and apparently babbling incomprehensibly.

"Goddammit, Butters, I swear it's killing me!" He banged his head on the wall behind him. "Did Scott do that?"

For a second, Butters didn't know WHAT Eric was talking about then realized that his butt was awfully cold. Oh, yes he ripped his pants because Scott glued them to the bench, now he was left with his boxers peeking through the gaping hole in the back of his pants.

"Kinda..." He answered.

The answer didn't seem to ease Eric's mind at all, in fact, it made him more agitated. He shuffled around grunting uncomfortably and glared at Butters.

"I think I'm bleeding to death, Eric!" Butters told him, he was feeling light headed and heavy at the same time it didn't make any sense.

Cartman rolled his eyes, as if Butters whined about dying ALL the time. "You're not gonna die, Butters... I'M the one who's going to get killed." He might as well have told Butters not to flatter himself.

But Butters was adamant he was dying he deserved SOME sympathy. "I'm bleeding lots!"

Cartman sighed. He leaned on Butters practically crushing him under his weight, Butters had to grit his teeth to stop himself from yelping in pain, Eric didn't seem to notice the discomfort he was causing.

"I've seen you bleed way more than this" Eric told him reassuringly "You're like a cockroach, you just don't die." Besides comparing him to a cockroach butters could sworn that was a compliment.

"Gee..thanks. Um..." Butters thought for a moment. He didn't have much to say but not talking would have left them both to their thoughts "Eric? Where are we?"

"Well, duh were in a van, Scott's van. Did you know Scott had a van? He bitches and moans about how me killing his parents ruined his life n' stuff but he can afford a van" Eric stopped for a second a haunted look etched on his face. "He's probably taking us to some dark woods so he can kill us where no one'll find our bodies."

Butters smiled trying to inject some positive thinking into an otherwise gloomy situation. "Don't worry, Eric! We'll get out of this! Er, when Scott opens the door.. I'll - I'll talk to him"

"You'll what?"

"I'll talk to him, Eric, It's WRONG him trying to kill all the time.. "

Eric laughed. "God, you're dumb!" He leaned even closer, it felt like he weighed a ton, stars burst across Butters vision.

E-Eric, You're crushing me..." He squeaked.

Cartman wasn't listening. He was still laughing "I mean, what are going to tell him?" He started imitating Butters voice. "Don't kill my friend, mistah!"

"WE'RE NOT FRIENDS, ERIC! I'M STILL MAD AT YOU! GET OFF!" Butters growled trying not to pass out.

Cartman practically jumped off him. "e-eh?"

Butters gasped for air, Even without Eric's weight on him he was still having a hard time breathing.  
"We're not friends." He repeated. "I just tried to help you cause it's the right thing to do."

Cartman blinked a few times, confused "well..fuck. That's a stupid reason to get yourself killed." He wasn't fond of the 'right thing to do' spiel he was pretty sure people just used it as an excuse to piss him off.

Butters glared "Well, maybe I am stupid. At least I'm not mean all the time!"

"Aw! You can't still be mad at me! I'm going to die!"

"Well, me too! And it hurts! You lied to me and I loved you!"

"You didn't love me, douchebag! You just thought you did cause you're an idiot!"

With a hmph! Butters turned his head away, he didn't want to talk to Eric anymore, he didn't even want to look at him.

Silence.

Great, this is just great. Cartman slumped with a sigh. He was going to get killed and Butters chooses now to start being a jerk. what happened to the forgiving Butters who let you do what ever you want to him? He didn't want to die like this with Butters finally deciding to hate him. I mean NOW? now? really, Butters? He didn't want to apologize. He'll apologize on his death bed. He wondered if he'll be able to talk while dying. Butters seemed pretty talkative for someone who was bleeding out but Butters was inhuman. Besides the rope Scott tied around butters was actually stemming the bleeding.

"I'm not sorry I lied to you, Butters." He said finally and it was true, he wasn't. Butters flinched but didn't turn around. "In fact I'm glad I did."

He scooted closer to Butters. "Butters..." He whispered, almost seductively. "Butters, I'm seriously, turn around."

Butters continued to ignore him, there wasn't a worst torture in the world.

"myeeeeeehhh" Cartman whined, to no avail. He rested his chin on Butters shoulder and glared up at Butters.

Butters bit his lip. Truth is he wasn't mad at Eric anymore, he stopped being mad a Eric when the man started whining like a child. "I'll forgive ya, Eric, if you tell me one thing that isn't a lie...?" He suggested.

Cartman pouted. One thing that want a lie. Just ONE thing? Well that could be anything. The sky is blue, for example. My shirt's red.

I LOVE YOU.

Dogs are stupid. We're in a van.

"I REALLY wanna go back home right now" He admitted, blushing slightly.

"Me too!" Sighed Butters turning his head around to look at Eric, his chin ended up bumping into Eric's forehead. He realized through the fog his mind was in that their faces were uncomfortably close together.

aw screw it, thought Cartman, they were both gonna die anyway. Who's going to know? And he leaned up and kissed Butters what might be their last kiss ever. 


	7. Liar

Butters didn't flinch away from the kiss like he should've. He kissed back because of the many things Butters was, he was definitely a romantic. They kissed. It wasn't comfortable with their hands tied behind their backs and Cartman's weight on Butters shoulder but neither wanted the kiss to stop because the when the kiss stopped the world would come back and they'd be in a van heading to their doom.  
But Butters wasn't going to die, according to Cartman, at least. He was very stubborn about these things.  
It was something Cartman knew. He knew it so hard his mind depended on it. Like he knew his mother loved him, and that his father, the ginger who sired him, deserved to die anyway. Like he knew that South Park was going to hell with out him. Butters wasn't going to die because he was going to cry at Cartman's funeral. The thought made it all somehow worthwhile, if he wasn't tied up he'd jab Butters in the side right now just to see a preview of the luscious tears he was going to shed for him.  
They were both so engrossed that they didn't notice when the the van stopped. Or when Scott opened the doors. Or when he closed them again, red faced, from the pure embarrassment of seeing something he shouldn't.  
In fact they didn't notice anything, or care. Not until Scott had gotten over the initial shock, stormed into the van, grabbed a handful of Cartman's hair and yanked him off Butters. Gritting his teeth against the pain Cartman briefly wondered why it was always his hair people grabbed...

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

If there was one thing Kyle knew for a fact. It was that he HATED Eric Cartman. He'd hated him since kindergarten, he hated him with a fiery passion. And it seemed, to Kyle, that Cartman WANTED him to hate him. Kyle, himself, didn't want to hate Cartman, it wasn't an enjoyable feeling, but Cartman always got what he wanted. He'd storm into Kyle's life, ruining a perfectly good day. He'd goad Kyle. Pick on him. Taunt him. Tease him. ANYTHING to get Kyle's blood boiling. And boil it did. It simmered in his veins and turned the air in his lungs into steam leaving him huffing and puffing with rage.  
After a day with Cartman he'd go home, with a throbbing headache, and with the last of his strength he'd pray to Jehovah. Pray that one day Cartman would disappear forever, swallowed by the earth or hit by a lightning strike. Anything, so long as Cartman was gone and out of his unmanageable hair for good. And now he was. So why wasn't Kyle happy? "Why?" He asked out loud voicing his thoughts "I don't miss him..but since he left I haven't been able to think straight. Why, Stan, why?" Stan leaned back. He was sitting on Kyle's bed while Kyle lay spreadeagled with his feet resting on the headboard. He was also wondering why? Why was it always him who had to deal with Kyle's problems? "I dunno." He admitted.  
"Maybe you DO miss him? I miss him...a little..." Kyle's eyes filled near bursting with disbelief. "Stan..." He said disapprovingly "No." It was almost a command, Stan pursed his lips feeling slightly offended. ".. you can't miss somebody when there's nothing to miss." Kyle told him after a moment of silence. "What does that even mean?" Stan Chuckled, laying down on the bed with his feet still on the floor and his hands behind his head. This left Kyle looking like he was sprouting out of Stan's armpit sideways. Kyle rolled over suddenly propping himself up on his elbows so that it was Stan who was staring up HIS nostrils. "You know what I mean, Stan!" He shrilled and then and suddenly as he yelled his voice pitched down to a hushed whisper. "He has no soul." And then with his voice back to normal. "And if he has no soul there's nothing to like, so there's nothing to miss!" Exasperated Stan rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he has a..." He stopped himself, this was Cartman they were talking about. Cartman who laughed at grizzly accidents. Cartman who killed his own father over sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Cartman who once confided in him, in an off hand manner, that the laughter of children cut him like a knife. Unable to continue the sentence he gave up. He wasn't the type to get passionate about arguments, not about Cartman. He might have a soul then again he might not. "Well...Maybe..."  
"What do YOU miss about him?"  
Stan shrugged. "I dunno..." He thought about it then laughed. "There's really nothing to like about him, is there?"  
Kyle glared. This was no laughing matter. "He's got nice hair." Said Kenny. He'd been sitting on the floor the whole time, as befit his status. He was back from the dead, though as usual not quite alive enough to contribute much to the conversation. This was going to be his first and last line for this sitting. He could've spoken up earlier when they were talking about Cartman's soul, because no one knew more about Cartman's soul than he did, having inhabited Cartman's body for a several weeks once, but the conversation hadn't included carnal desires so he didn't care. "Fucking good hair." Stan slipped into deep thought about the matter and Kyle seethed, he couldn't deny it. "He DOES have good hair!" Stan exclaimed suddenly realizing it. "It was like a rabbits pelt!" "You'd know, rabbitfucker!" Kyle snapped. Stan stared. "oh Kyle, your Cartman's showing again..."  
"Graaahh!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Scott dragged Cartman out of the van throwing him down on the ground.  
Cartman spat out a couple of moldy leaves. Woods, he guessed it. Perfect place to leave someones corpse, just perfect. Scott sighed. He wasn't looking forward to killing Cartman, even though his mind knew Cartman was a monster who was asking for a painful death. His heart would think otherwise and his memory would rebel against killing a person. "Deep down, you know you deserve this." He said softly.  
Cartman didn't reply. He never did. He just faked a coughing fit.  
In the van Butters struggled against the ropes that bound him. The van door was ajar but he couldn't see what was going on. "ERIC!" He called. "um..s-SCOTT! Don't kill him!" He scootched towards the entrance "Don't you see?.." He started then stopped to crawl even closer. Now he could see Eric on the ground with Scott standing over him holding a gun. There were trees all around them. Beautiful vibrant trees with the beginnings of autumn painting swatches of yellow and orange on their leaves. Hardly the place for a murder...  
"Don't you see? It's wrong what you're doin',Scott. Eric's your brother and.." And...Scott wasn't listening. He was trying to decide whether he should shoot Cartman in the heart, there was always a chance he didn't have one, or the brain, who's existence was also doubtable. Butters pouted with a huff. Things would turn out beautifully if only he was a better speaker. If only he was stronger, he'd snap the ropes right off, sling Cartman over his shoulder and be on his merry way, if only, if only. If only all that stuff he believed about love over coming all odds was true.  
He cast a glance towards Eric, the guy who probably, most likely, loved him. He was lying on the ground with his eyes shut tight. There was sweat beading on his face despite the cold weather. He wasn't struggling. It was so unlike him not to struggle. No, it wasn't that he'd given up, Butters realized, Eric never gave up, he just occasionally lost interest. No, he must be frozen with fear again. It must be terrible to be scared to death of your own brother, he wouldn't know himself, not having a brother. For a sick queasy second his mind touched on, but didn't quite grasp, those dark moments when just the sight of his father coming up the stairs choked and paralyzed him. Poor Eric. Poor, poor Eric. He wanted to help him so bad. suddenly it seemed to Butters that there wasn't much in this scene besides Eric. Scott, the gun and the lush trees faded into the background overcome by a wash of gray fuzz. "He's your brother." He told Scott even though he could hardly see the guy. Just Eric. He could barely hear himself talk. His heart beat flooded his ears, tortured and sputtering. He couldn't move. He couldn't feel the tips of his fingers. He concentrated the last of his focus on Cartman. The reason he was in this mess in the first place. The lair. The murderer. The man he loved.  
He should hate him. Loathe him even. But he didn't.

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Kyle stood nervously in front of the gathered townspeople. He wasn't a stranger to public speaking. In fact, sometimes, it seemed like it was all he did but, this time, he wasn't sure how his message would be taken. "People of South Park." He began. "I asked for this town's Meeting because..well.." He shuffled his feet. "I think we made a mistake banishing Cartman." The people in the crowd started sharing surprised murmurs. Kyle's hate for Cartman was no secret.  
"You see.." Kyle said. "YOU SEE!" He repeated raising his voice above the many hushed discussions. "I LEARNED something today." Silence befell the crowd. Kyle's 'I learned something today' speeches were always serious business.

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He was the kind of person that killed you inside. His words were sharp and painful, like glass. He treated everybody like dirt and he put Butters through hell. You couldn't blame him, the same way you couldn't blame rats for the plague or clouds for rain. Butters was sure, though, he wasn't evil. He found his last moments filled with a strange detached clarity. That rotund man, with charming eyes and hair the color of hazelnut creme or chocolate mousse, Butters could never quite decide. He should never have called him a monster. It mustv'e hurt him. He wasn't a monster he was just a very special kind of stupid.  
You couldn't hate a person who when life gives him a shovel ends up digging his own grave. "It's okay, Eric..." He said. He couldn't hear himself saying it but he must've said it because Cartman snapped out of his fear induced paralysis and turned to look at him.

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"Yes, he's a jerk. A borderline sociopath. But banishing him isn't going to fix that! I really thought that with him gone this town would be a utopia. But all it did was bring out this terrible side of me. Look, people, We're not perfect we struggle everyday to do the right thing. maybe, just maybe, we need bad people around as an example of what WE could become if we let ourselves slip."

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"It's not your fault." He didn't know what Butters was talking about. Whether he was even supposed to make sense but somehow those four words washed over him like a warm blanket leaving him blinking in the sunlight. This worm of a person had this ...power over him. It was terrifying. Scott glared at Butters. Those words were so ridiculously untrue he was surprised Butters wasn't struck down just saying them. Or maybe he was. Butters had apparently given up on saying anything else. his eyes were closed and he didn't seem to be breathing. Scott threw his head back and laughed. "Looks like you boyfriend's dead, Eric!" He grinned. "he's not dead." Cartman muttered, Butters knew better than to be dead at such a crucial moment in his life. "Too bad." continued Scott. "loss is a terrible feeling, I should know..." He said it in the sarcastic tone of an evil villain, but Cartman knew he just begging for sympathy, rubbing in just how different they were. "HE'S NOT DEAD!" Cartman snapped and he didn't know how he did it but somehow he managed to jump up and throw himself at Scott. Pushing the larger man down. There was a gunshot but it missed him. "He's not dead, FUCK YOU!" He gasped, aiming clumsy punches at his older brother. Then as quickly as it had come the red haze of rage was gone. He stopped to catch his breath and take in his surroundings.  
What? What just happened? Scott was unconscious. He had hit his head on an exposed root when Cartman pushed him down. all of Cartman's punches had missed him. Relieved, Cartman laughed weakly.  
Then he looked at Scott,narrowing his eyes as he contemplated his options, Scott's red hair was casting shadows on his face. He looked oddly peaceful. Cartman decided he should take this god-given chance and kill his brother. No, not his brother, his sworn enemy. kill him. Now. He glanced at Butters who despite being definitely not dead was very, very still. Almost like a painting. Then down at Scott's freckled face. He bit his lip. Scott or Butters.  
Scott or Butters.  
Kill or save... Why was he actually thinking this through?

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"And maybe someday, somehow he's actually going to learn the difference between right and wrong..."

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Cartman never liked hospitals. They were nasty places where doctors were just waiting to jump out from behind a corner and give you diseases like Aids, but here he was, in a hospital, waiting for Butters to get better. The skinny blond wraith was still unconscious. It. Was. Boring. Cartman tried to will him awake with his mind, but Butters was stubborn. Why did he bring him along in the first place? It had turned out to be such a terrible idea on so many levels. He couldn't remember thinking it through or needing Butters for anything specific. He wasn't useful to have around, he couldn't lug your stuff, he wouldn't help you come up with your evil plans but somehow he was always ended up dragging him along. That's how he did it to himself, he let Butters sneak up on him and now he was doomed. The first sign of this was that he just spent the last of his money on the little fag's hospital bills. It didn't make sense! It was HIS fucking money! Now he was going to starve! Thanks a lot, Butters. He stared at Butters. He was pale from the loss of blood. He'd apparently come so close to death that all the doctors could talk about was how lucky he was, like it was lucky to nearly die. He looked away, Butters slept like a dead person, it creeped him out. He ended up looking at his feet, something he didn't do often. Usually he couldn't see them past his girth but he was sitting down and lo and behold there they were. They were good shoes once, expensive and well cared for and now, thanks to all that cross-country walking and being chased, they were scuffed and worn. "WHAT did you do to Butters?" asked a voice from behind him. Cartman froze, it was a voice designed to ask you where you've been and how you've been conducting yourself. Perhaps what mothers were supposed to sound like. Kyle! He turned around, trying to keep the smile on his face restrained, more sinister than welcoming. "Well, well, well, if it isn't my good friend Kaaahhlll" He stretched the name like taffy in his mouth, enjoying the taste of it. "What brings you here?" Kyle rolled his eyes. He was standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips. "I'm not here to play games, Cartman!" Shit, he's on to me! Cartman narrowed his eyes. "I'm just here to tell you that your not banished anymore" Kyle said, not looking at at Cartman in the eyes. "So... you can go home... if you want." Cartman glared at him, Kyle might as well have pulled out a weapon. "What's the catch?" "There is no catch!" Kyle snapped. He groaned, pushing some escaping strands of 'fro back under his hat. "Look, I don't care if you come back to South Park or not!" He lied. "I'm just telling you about it!" And with a huff he made to leave. "Like I'd ever go back to that hick town after they threw me out! You're goin' to have to beg me, Kahl!" Kyle slammed the door as he left. Cartman grinned, immensely proud of himself for some reason. "You hear that, Butters, we're goin' home!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 When Butters woke up he was greeted with Cartman's angry wide face yelling at him. "TOOK YOUR SWEET TIME! DIDN'T YOU?" Quickly and without warning a headache formed. Butters blinked and squinted his eyes from the harsh brightness of the world of the living. "Pip says...hi...?" He muttered, confused. "Your not making any sense, Butters!" Cartman told him, loudly, slapping the side of his face repeatedly in an attempt to hurry the waking process. Butters looked around, slowly realizing where he was. It wasn't where he expected to wake up after a near death experience. Cartman smiled at him, looking extremely satisfied.  
"Eric, who's car is this?" Butters finally asked after a long pause. He found his surroundings so surreal that he was worried bringing attention to the fact would shatter the delicate balance of this fragile reality. He was in the backseat of a car, slightly bigger and nicer than Eric's was, the seats were a dark leather, complicated looking books where stuffed in the net pockets that hung behind the driver's seat, a dreidel hung from the rear-view mirror, but, more importantly, he was lying on the backseat where Eric was sitting, his head resting on his partner's ample lap. His legs where folded up near the window. One of Eric's hands was tangled in his hair, as if the fat sadist was planning to yank his head back. "Kahl's" Cartman answered smiling widely, more pleased with that one word than anyone should ever be. "I got sick of waitin' for you, Butters! All those A-hole doctors wouldn't release you from the hospital till you woke up." "So he kidnapped you!" Shrieked Kyle from the driver's seat. He, dangerously, in Butters opinion, since he was driving, turned to look at Cartman. "You're lucky he woke up at all!" "He's fine!" Said Cartman, rolling his eyes. "You just don't do that, okay? Doctors say things like that for a reason, y'know! If you gave a crap about anyone other than yourself you'd know-" Kyle raged like a machine gun, shooting one criticism after another in quick succession. He'd been quite unnerved when he'd been about to drive home and Cartman threw himself in the backseat carrying the unconscious Butters, eerily wrapped in a black tarp for some reason, over his shoulder then refused to leave. Cartman sniggered, he winked at Butters, who didn't get it. "Where are we going?" Butters asked.  
"Going? We're nearly home, Butters!" Butters didn't know whether to be pleased by Eric's good mood or terrified. "Really? What happened with Scott? I don't remember anything." Eric's smile disappeared. Scott should've woken up by now, in those woods, only to find his van missing. HOPEFULLY, he'll never find his way home. HOPEFULLY, he'll be eaten by wild animals but, most likely, he was fine and already plotting his revenge. "Who gives a crap!" Cartman snapped, disappointed with himself. "Where heading home aren't we?" "I just feel like I missed a lot!" Whined Butters in his defense. He looked troubled as another question bubbled up in his mind. "Are we..still a couple?" The yank that Cartman's fat pudgy fingers have been threatening came then. He pulled Butters hair hard and made a noise like a deflating tire. "SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!SHH! SHH!" Then he stared at the back of Kyle's head, eyes the size of saucers. Kyle, showing great restraint and fore thought, didn't react. He just shook his head slightly and muttered. "Jesus Christ.." Under his breath. Cartman leaned over Butters, so low their noses nearly touched. "Don't you know how to shut the fuck up!" He hissed. Butters decided to take that as a yes. He smiled up at Eric. At that moment the car stopped. "We're here." Growled Kyle, stopping the car. Cartman jumped out amazingly quick for a fat guy. He jumped out and let Butters head hit the incredibly warm seat where his ass was. Cartman was glad to be back. He looked around relishing the familiar buildings and faces. He spotted Kenny, trussed up in his bright orange parka so tightly only his eyes and nose showed through the hood. "You missed me, ken!" Cartman commanded. Kenny mightv'e grinned there was no way to tell past the odd glimmer in his dead eyes. He shrugged, teasing Cartman, and then walked away. "AI!" Cartman protested angrily. In Kyle's car, Butters pulled himself up, flinching as he discovered that the pain in his side was still there. "Eric!" He called. "Wait for me!" Cartman glanced back at him and glared. "Crawl on home, Butters." He said dismissing Butters with a wave. Butters frowned and crawled out of Kyle's car to do just that. When he neared the Stotch residence, his dad was outside the door waiting for him. Butters didn't know how his dad KNEW he'd be coming back at that time, it wasn't out of the question for his dad to have been standing there since he left. It was a special kind of love that made Mr. Stotch scale walls and leap buildings just to punish his son. "Well, well, well, look who's back!" He said, hands on his hips, shifting his weight robotically from one side to the other. "H-hey, dad." Butters quavered, smiling nervously.

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Cartman entered his house loudly. "!" He called. It was a kind of self-defence mechanisim that gave his mother time to conduct herself. He'd walked in on far too many unsightly scenes in his youth. "MAAAAMMM!" He called again, walking into the kitchen. He stopped and stared, he'd never seen anything so horrible, and that was saying something. His backstabbing mother was standing in the kitchen, holding a tray of cup cakes, feeding a smaller, less attractive, version of himself. "Clyde!" He barked, recognizing the clone instantly. Clyde choked on a piece of cupcake. "Cartman! Your back?" "What the fuck do you think you're doin' Clyde?" Demanded Cartman. Clyde looked at Cartman then at Ms. Cartman. He still thought he was Liane's boyfriend, despite a lot of people trying to convince him otherwise, and balked at the prospect of Cartman becoming his son. "I'm outta here!" He told the world, leaving his Cartman hat but taking a cupcake and running out of Cartman's house. "Oh, poopsie, you're home!" His mother exclaimed joyfully. She offered him a cupcake. Indignant and smarting, he offered her his middle finger, held defiantly in front of her face, but took the cupcake with his other hand. He'd missed his mother's cooking too much to do otherwise. Most people got cupcakes wrong they just made a cake and covered it with a layer of frosting, but not his mother. His mother's cupcakes where equal amounts frosting and cake. So sweet a diabetic couldn't even be in the same room! Five cupcakes later Butters rushed in. "Eric! Eric!" He skipped into the kitchen. "My parents took me back, Eric!" Cartman raised an eyebrow "Yea?" he replied with his mouth full. "YEAH! They said I'm grounded!" Butters said like it was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. "That's great, Butters." Eric said in sarcastic tone that flew right over Butters head. Butters sat next to him, quietly, and watched him eat for a few minutes. It must've been mesmerizing because he nearly forgot what he'd been so happy about. After a few minutes of Cartman's chewing, he, finally, asked the question that's been nagging him this whole trip. "Do you love me, Eric?" Eric choked on his mouthful of cupcakes for a second, but recovered quickly, punching himself lightly on the chest to knock the crumbs out of his esophagus. He glared at Butters, The man he'd lied to to get into this mess. "Who'd love you, faggot?" He lied. He should know better. He DID know better, but old habits where hard to let go of. Butters made a small 'hmmph!' noise. He was dumb as a brick, as impressionable as a ball of play dough, as weak as a wet piece of tissue paper, but if any of them learned something from this whole ordeal it was him. He learned to tell when Cartman was lying. So he wasn't as hurt as he was offended. He grabbed Cartman's last cupcake and stuffed into his mouth, trying to eat it as fast as he could in a fit of 'professor chaos worthy' vengeance. "Ai!" Cartman protested, a little impressed with Butters' defiance. He kicked Butters on the shin and then rested his head in his hand, watching Butters try not choke on his ill gotten prize. It was like watching Mr. kitty eat a lizard. He'd stuffed the whole cupcake into his mouth and then realized that he wouldn't be able to swallow without dying. So he spat the thing out in his hand then tried again. "Mom!" Cartman called. "We're going to need more cupcakes here!"

THE END. 


End file.
